Resentment / Anger / Forgiveness + The Frustration

Part 2

Here’s the thing.  Despite looking so very young (****clears throat with seriousness and then breaks into hysterics) I am not. 
I’m getting older and in some bizarre twist, feel like my time is running out.   Don’t get me wrong.  I actually like being single.  I like the freedom. I like not fighting with someone.  I like not having to consider what I say/do/eat/smell like/feel like watching on tv.  I can do whatever the fuck I want to.  I can have sex with whomever I want to.  I can go on any old date I feel appropriate.  I can go to NYC every weekend. I can do WHATEVER I WANT.  And I love that.  Liberating and Free. 
The problem is….in my head, it’s fucking Valentine’s Day every single day.  Seriously.  Hearts float out of my mouth when I go to brush my teeth in the morning.  Little “I Love You’s” are the liner in any shirt I wear.  I’m such a die hard romantic that my piss is pink and I sing Get Me To The Church On Time while I’m doing chest presses at the gym. 
In most every scenario I’ve played in my head lately, I see myself laying on my couch or bed cuddled up to someone I’m falling in love with.
Love.
It’s playing in loop after loop in my cranium.  It doesn't take shape in sadness, like it once did. It takes the shape of hope and happiness.  I get butterflies at times, thinking about what is ahead of me.  The last three months I”ve realized I’m ready to open the door in a much more comprehensive way than I was before.
So I've been basking in my longing for love.  Because I wasn't sure I'd get here.  I just wasn't sure........
Then, without fail, while I’m basking barefoot in my house, I step on a shard.  A shard of anger from my past.  It pierces the skin and stings/gets infected/HURTS.  And I get all twisted up.  I get all bent out of shape in the unfairness of it all (VICTIM).  How could he have done that? Will my next guy do that?  What will happen if I get hurt again?  Should I go drink 2 bottles of wine to figure it out?
You’ve got to let it go.  You’ve got to let it go.  You’ve got to let it go.
I know I do.  I know I do in order to be in that trippy space where I put out the pheromones for availability to the would-be boyfriend...... lingering around that next twist of fate.
So I move on, and let it go, but then....as I"m getting out my psychology-sterilized tweezers and working on extracting that sliver of ANGER, along comes a bad whooping case of The Frustration.  
Definition of The Frustration.  
The feeling you have when you are putting yourself out there in every way possible for a potential love connection and you think you've found something, found something REALLY good and hopeful.....and it falls out beneath your feet due to the many variables you just can't control.
Case studies to illustrate The Frustration in real life.

  • The One Who's Sex Was Literally On Fire:  I know it may sound ridiculous to base a love connection on sex.  And i'm not with this one, but it is the first thing I think about.  He is young, true.  But LE SEX.  On Fire.   I won't be as graphic to detail why...... I can't with that memory...too intense.  Anyway, we fit together intensely in other ways than physical.  He got me, I got him.  We had similar style choices and were able to communicate in our texts as though he were sitting right next to me.  We laughed a lot and had so much fun. He blindly had come to Philadelphia to meet and stay with me, we walked around Philadelphia holding hands and kissing all over the streets.  #melted. In the end, The Frustration settled in because he wants someone who lives in the same city as he.    We think of each other often, and are frustrated that he can't make that work.  I emailed him last week and asked him to stop communicating with me because it just kinda hurts.  The Frustration.

  • The One Who Fell Asleep Couch Cuddled On My Chest:  We met sometime ago in Rittenhouse Square to see if we felt like we might connect.  We spent the evening well into darkness on the benches, just talking.  He was leaving for Asia for 14 days not soon after that night, so we didn't concern ourselves with setting up another date.  I didn't hear from him until months after.  When I did, it was a surprise visit and we spent the whole day in my room.  Laughing, dancing naked, listening to our favorite songs, drinking champagne.  He travels, so after that it was a few weeks before I heard from him again.  I opened the door and he smiled so big and the hug and kiss he gave me was so beautiful.  We spent the night watching How To Train Your Dragon 2.  He fell asleep laying spooned in front of me with his body twisted on mine, head on my chest.  The  feeling.  Oh man.  He's a man of convenience and not one that is ready for being attached, I can see the pained expression in his face when he begins to feel in touch with me in an intimate way.  The struggle is real with this one.  And I respect that.   The connection is there.  He ultimately isn't though.  We are tossing around a travel holiday together.  Bittersweet, but sweet.  The Frustration.

  • The One Who's Intellectual Property Far Outweighs Everything:  This one is short and sweet. He's brilliant, to the point of being handicapped by it. Yet, we absolutely started to fall for one another.  I made one sideways step though, and detached for 24 hours to get my footing.  That action was too risky for him, despite then committing to seeing it all thru, to working on things - ghosts - we were each dealing with.  We made an agreement that he would contact me when he got through "being off the rails".  Ultimately, too complicated and total drop off of communication....but The Frustration settles in.
There are a few more of these....no question about it.
I feel enriched by each and every one of these men.  To the degree of growth they allow me...i am grateful.  It's the cross section of
My Past Shards of Anger + The Present Complexities of The Frustration = Confusion and Clarity.

Part 3:  Confusion and Clarity....coming at you soon.

Muchly.
NSR.

Resentment is the Poison I Drink

Part One
I walk on the sunny side of the street at all times.
I drink out of a special red coffee mug, because I believe it has special powers to make me feel happy and balanced throughout my day. 
I believe that just the right amount of fragrance will make me have a better day.
I also invest a lot of time into making sure my physical appearance is pretty likable, if only because it allows me to hold my head up a little bit and know that someone out there appreciates me.

 I make my bed every day, because I think karmic-ally it produces this clean, fresh, crisp and magical start to a day.  
On some days, when my libido is on fire, I wear a jockstrap under my work clothes, to stay....internally hot.

 These are just some of the things that Nathan does to try to keep his shit........together.

These last years have shaped and formed me into a being I can be variably proud of. 
The Ones Who Matter, those who have held and caressed me, shine bright. And yes kiddo, just like a diamond (sparkle***). And I haven't held back in notifying them of the power and the luminescence they hold.  My friendships are ON FIRE.
Some other people, whose lives are running it's course with some kind of predictability and general happiness, don't understand, and I daresay, can't really empathize with what life has felt like.  And should they ? No. They shouldn't. 

 This is my story and my story alone.  And by the way, I am so proud of it.  My Story.
I'm not complaining, nor am I begrudging what is rightfully theirs. I celebrate it with them, I love Their Perfect with them. I cry in the happy times and I cry in the sad times, sitting right next to them. I love them unconditionally, and love that they are getting everything that hope for.  I am eternally grateful to see life and light all around me.
Resentment is the poison I drink, in the hopes that you will die.

 I know I have to let go of That Poison Dart I hold aimed at Kevin's forehead. That Anger, It isn't the great ass fucking I took from all the money he siphoned out of me and I lost that makes me enraged.  In an amazing capacity for forgiveness, I've let that go to the waves, back to the Ocean of Regret and Mistaken Choices.
It isn't anything....... But Franklin. Our dog. The dog I paid a portion for. The dog I raised. The dog I have dreams about and wake up almost in tears over. I'm not allowed to see Franklin any longer. 
In some grand last demonstration in Kevin's ultimate control over me, he refuses to allow me access. 
He once did, but after I said something that Kevin didn't like - he used Franklin as a pawn to say FUCK YOU NATE.
The next right answer would be for me to get my own dog, but I'm not allowed to where I live. Where I have lived for the past 4 years....in a house I have made my own, a house that I love.  I can, however, have dog visitors, which is why having my dog visit once in a while worked out wonderfully.  It files a void, it makes me feel balance.  And to be truthful, Franklin knows who I am.....he loves being with me.
But, Kevin wins I suppose. 
He always will, that one.  
Kevin always wins.

 With Michael, the One Who Took No Prisoners.......I don't know what anger I hold onto still. Not much.
 I'm angry that he wasn't mature enough. I'm angry that he is borderline narcissistic (pretty much meets all the criteria, FYI). 
I'm angry that I fell head over heels in love with someone for the first time in my life and we couldn't keep it together.  
Because I think he felt the same way I did.  In a "Romeo and Juliet"  kind of love......with the wrong person. 
The profound part of all of him though is that I learned a valuable lesson.  

 Nathan can't work in a relationship where he doesn't feel safe. When my loved one is texting other guys naked pictures, flirting endlessly with others and is naked in any public venue that it's deemed appropriate, I don't work well.  
My guy, my real guy, won't do that shit...at least not in the first years of our love.  He did, because I wasn't the one for him.....I get that now.  

 And I reacted.  I reacted on a spectrum of anger, that was.....not as calm as I'd have liked. (womp womp)
But that was my fault. I should have known he was not capable of maintenance of a relationship. Not just yet.  
I'm guessing he will get there some day.  
But the two of us, in that moment of our lives.....just didn't work.  
He has some growing up to do, and I need to know when to walk away, for my own good.  
For if I don't, I become this version of myself that ain't too cool and will most definitely let you know i'm pretty un-fucking happy.
Hopefully he's moving on and falling in love.  Or not.  Don't know, and I am proud to say, I don't care as I used to.

 Someone once told me that often times in life, we don't end up with the one true love of our life.  I'm not saying that is Michael, but I"m not saying it isn't either.  

All in all.  I have to let it go.  The Pain. The Tiny Shards of Anger that cut me.  The last bits that remain.  Have to go.  Because, now is my time.  I'm the best version of myself..........
xoxoxooxoxoxo
to be continued
Stay tuned for Part 2.  Part 1 was about the past.  Part 2......not so much 

x

B*I*T*C*H


yo ------
you a little bitch. straight up.

you never cease to amaze me.
chameleon and stealth, you change without a second's warning and then offer no real apology for switching it up.

i can't with you.  i just can't.

when i'm all, I Got This Under Control Now.............you get all....... I Think I"ll Change The Direction Of The Compass.
It just isn't fair, madame fate.
you'd think with all your Hard Lessons, you'd be better at being a smidgen more kind to those of us In Need.

i suppose without all That Extra Stuff That Happened Lately, i would be in a more accepting place of your silly antics and the way you just take certain things away, even though they are good.

i've got all the time in the world, it's true. no rush for this, no rush For That.  still, you alarm me. what with the summer being a time of meeting those whom might be in the spot, The Spot.  the one that hasn't been filled for a fair time.
i met a few who seemed to be what i was looking for.  then i narrowed it down to one.
and i thought i'd learned my lessons well.  i thought that he was what it was to be cared for, and to be handled with something close to intimate understanding unparalleled.
wait.  i falter. the truth is, he WAS all those things.  not for one second did he make me feel bad things, that That One did previously.  he never faltered in his affection and nurture of my crusty/rusty/musty ole heart.  he was everything i needed.  and he showed me so many things in such a short time.

he stayed the course and played the right part.  the lead role, and was a true Leading Man.

something wasn't right though.  so much was right, that wasn't right with that Other One or Him.  yet, something wasn't right.
but how can you leave behind something that is right, in so many ways.  but was missing just one other Thing.

it ended on a Facetime call.  we talked for a long time and it was clear we have heart for one another. but what happened was someThings were missing,  and i'd begun to sabotage it.  i pulled away, but not in formal ways.  well, i was clear about my feelings of caution.
i haven't mastered the art of walking away.  i thought i would hurt him too much, that Leading Man, because of how strong his affections were for me.  and the truth is, parts of me felt as though it would all pull together.  parts of me needed time.
even though on a saturday i felt an absence in him, sunday i would feel all of him in me.  sure it wasn't All The Way there, but i told myself with time and pacing of the glaciers, my affections would clock in as full time.
even i know though, you can't have Nothing on a Saturday and All on a Sunday.  that's not fair.
that Leading Man, he knew.  and he was acting on it.  he did not want glacier. he wanted me, but now.  and intensely.

he made flight plans to go back to Australia for December and January to be with his family.  i knew what that meant.
and so did he.

so we talked with care and something close to intimacy; that sad sound that voices make when they are relaying something unfun.  as we talked my skin felt warm and my eyes burned.
this trick of heart.....when his friends would call me his boyfriend i would balk, and yet i was shaking in my heart as we began to say our goodbyes.  why so confusing madame?

madame fate.
i know that i'm not always going to make the path you want me to, and i will push in directions that are not in on my stage.  but this one.  this Leading Man.  he treated me like a king.  so pardon me for being confused about it all.
in the days after, i've understood that if i could create a recipe, i'd add major parts of my Leading Man, little parts of That One, and none of Him.

i've learned that passion and connection come in ways other than lust and skin.  they come in being treated well and with unconditional arms to hold you. something i always dreamed of.  as it turns out, that's not all i need.
but i've learned.  i've felt butterflies with him.
i've learned that making memories with Someone Else is fabulous.
i've also learned that when that comes to an end....it leaves an ache and emptiness.
i've learned.
i don't want all the answers.
but
i want that perfect day in central park when we were laying in the grass, smiling at our possibilities and ignoring the fragments of where it might go wrong.  my Leading Man was nice.  he was special. i love that i have those pieces in my heart still.  his role may be in another capacity.  i guess you'll figure that out for me too.

madame fate, i know you aren't purposefully being a bitch. but if you could......just a little more patience with me.  i'm getting it right, slowly.  and this one, the Leading Man, he was a good character to give me.  he was kind. he was vulnerable and emotionally available.

and so, i guess i have to thank you and stop calling you a bitch.
for all you gave me.
thank you.

hope to hear from you soon.
Nately Nate. Neight. Nathan.

Self. Ee.


I take selfies.

You have your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/dog/child that you constantly take pictures with.
You guys over there have your gaggle of 17 besties that show up from the Hamptons/Fire Island/Rehoboth/Gayville/I'm-having-way-more-than-you-town.
You have your family in your pictures on Instagram.
Some of you don't post jack shit.  But look us all up and down from that more anonymous place of the internet.

There seems to be a critical mass of negative judgment around selfies.
To you, those that have uttered criticism for "too many selfies"........
Blow Me.

It's where I am in my life right now.  And I, unknowingly assertive in my love of the selfie, will not judge you for what you choose to post.
I love you unconditionally even though I've seen that deliriously adorable picture of Lassie laying upside down on the couch a million times before.  Even though I don't have a particular affinity for a super colorful picture of that Beet Salad from That Really Amazing Restaurant.
I'm going to giggle my ass off at the Ice Water Bucket Challenge thingy, even after seeing EVERYONE else do it.
You're that special to me.
And maybe you aren't special to me, maybe, I don't really know you all that well.  I'm still giving you a high five for what you got.

I love seeing every part of you that you allow me to see from the screen of my phone or computer.  I truly do.  And always will.  And I won't ever criticize you for what I see.   Kudos to you for knowing your place.  I wish I did.
Until then, I'll be as selfie-centric as I wanna be.

Because life changes at the drop of a penny on the floor of my car.  And you too will end up in certain phases that require you doing what makes you feel happy/wanted/appreciated or a part of something.

It's true, a selfie is a form of expression.
A lot of you think that expression is a form of desperation or something akin to loneliness.
Blow me.
It's a person's way of saying "hey you, with your thing that makes you happy....look at me over here doing my thing."
Some say it's attention seeking, taking that gym selfie with my nipple blaring out.  If that's attention seeking, so is that picture of your Cute As Fuck bf nibbling on your ear.  It's a different version of the exact same thing you do.
And sometimes, I take a selfie with my shirt off, or in a speedo, or in my Mini.

Deal with it, and if you can't handle it....peace out homeslice.
Just peace out quietly and don't make too much of a scene.  Don't judge.  I won't.  One of you once posted something ugly about a Particular Type of Selfie I'd posted.
Not necessary and not cool.

I remember a time when I was in the center of that picture of 10 tanned guys at the beach, smiling.....maybe pinching someone's tit.  I also remember a time when the two of us smiled with that puppy in the background, or we dressed up in our suits for that special occasion and flashed it out for "Cheese" !!!!
I'm not there right now though.
Selfies are where I be.  Not really ready to share that screen shot with someone else yet.  Busy trying all kinds of things out, attempting to see what goes in that frame in a more healthy and deserving way.
I'm getting closer to adopting a Lassie of my own, and you can bet your ass I"ll be posting shit all over with Lassie.  Love me then too.

Click the like button.
Double tap for the heart to fill with red.
Comment on my hair.

And if you still think Selfies are Stupid......
Blow me.
and know, I got your back when it happens to you :)

Nate. Lee.












Hallelujah ` I wanna take you for all that you've got.

The opposite of the last post.

I did some thinking..and I wanted to share something with you.
A few somethings actually.

The Diner
In June I spent the weekend in the Catskills. Callicoon, NY to be precise.
It was a rainy, cold weekend.
It didn't matter though, I was with great company and had a remarkable time.
The drive there was beautiful because I took back roads through woods and mountains.  Extreme tranquility and Nately communion with all that which was around me.
About 25 minutes away from Callicoon, a guy whom I'd met previously (there wasn't really a love connection per say, however....they may or may not have been a booty connection) was spending the summer.  We connected quite randomly that Friday and agreed I would drive to his camp Saturday afternoon.  I did just that, driving my Mini Cooper and listening to the new Lana Del Rey release (money, power, glory - that track is fucking amazing) and letting the wind blow my hair all over the place.  It was transcendent in it's power for me, as a solo entity.  It's really what being alone and single is about for me right now, that drive....that wind........that freedom.
In any event, after I "saw" his place we drove into a sleepy little town nearby and ate at a diner.
The diner was carved into the side of a mountain and our table was glued to the wall....but had been used so much that it was pulling out of the wall.  The waitress was a woman with a full on moustache and her daughter sat next to the register pretend playing "cashier".
I scarfed down a meatloaf sandwich of epic portions and we smiled at the fun we had had, and were having.  As we left, I stopped to snap a picture of the mountain side.  It's the picture in this post. "something wicked this way comes "came to mind.  It was dark and clouds were forming.  Slow and rolling.  Ominous and beautiful.
I dropped him off, a kiss on the lips and drove away to my solitude of sound and wind.

I hold that day in a special place.
Good, special and meaning-filled things do happen to me.
I often forget to look at those things in the middle of dealing with the underbelly of douchey dudes.

Lasagne.
About two years ago (in between the "I love you, I love you not" man) I met a guy on OK CUPID who lived in Brooklyn.  We had a fun afternoon getting coffee and getting to know one another.  He really made me smile.....in a carefree, creative and simplistic way.  I think I did that for him too on some level.
As is with lots of NYC boys, life in that world is somewhat momentary, in that the "moment" is where they live....and if you are not in the moment, well......you fall away to the dust and glitter of the land of potential would-be's.
I used to be angry about this, or expect someone to be special or different in this regard.  I no longer care, I accept it for what it is.  I expect very little from them - and crave them at the exact same time.  The burden of complexities, eh ?
So it was with him.  He slipped away, in his moment.  Which seemed to be lovely and nice and rich of color.
This past Spring, on a rainy and cold weekend, he contacted me rather randomly.  He was in Philly and asked me to go to some museums with him.
So spontaneous.
I think we both exploded with spontaneity :)  And smiles.
Movvvving on, he ended up getting his bags from where he was staying and spending the weekend with me.
We went to see some art, the movies and cuddled close and played house.
At some point in our time together I got a little mixed up in my brainless emotional being.  I think an invisible wall began to form around me because I just didn't want to get hurt, so there was that.

Yet even with that slight barrier, I felt a great deal of calm with him and our secret weekend together. We ended up going to a big Italian dinner on Sunday night, which he treated (god i love that) and I then dropped him off to go back to his momentary NYC life.
There was an episode of "Girls" last year where Hanna and a guest character played by Patrick Wilson spent a weekend naked in his house....very unexpectedly.  The episode was only the two of them.
My secret weekend with this guy reminded me of that episode of "Girls"  It was quiet and so very special in it's manner of unplanned existence.  I almost wonder if it actually happened.  He's gone and we barely communicate.  It's so very interesting, if only because I don't operate that way.
And he holds a special place in my being.  I don't know why, he just does.  He didn't let me get away with saying certain types of things, so I believe that to be part of what makes him special to me, but also because of his way of living.  We aren't boyfriend material, but we're enough.  For spontaneous.

I like telling you these stories, mostly because they remind me of what sorts of special things happen to me.  I've spent a lot of time this last week focusing on being more realistic about dating.  I've been living in this fictitious world for weeks now, where I feel like I'm this outsider with men.  When I sit and actually write out the facts of my dating life....I realize I'm being fucking crazy.  In almost every single way I'm a virtual dating Tasmanian Devil.  My list....is obscene.
And boys, they like me.  In some alternate world, because I haven't married one of them yet, I've convinced myself that none of these things, as I've told you above, have happened.  The truth is they happen constantly, and I need to wake the fuck up.
I also need to not let the nutty stories (***see my last post) take away from the more tender stories I'm collecting.

Anyway, thank you for helping me readers.  The last couple posts I've gotten so many words of appreciation and encouragement, often only several moments after posting. You all know it's risky to post things that I do on here, and not everyone agrees that it's an appropriate thing....specifically if I'm talkin bout you boo......but I believe in deeper connections in this world, and this is my small way to contribute to that chasm.
Thank you. Thank you.
And.
lastly.

Thank you.
Nately Nate Nathan

some infinities are bigger than other infinities

I knew going into the movie that I was going to end up a puddle by the end of it.  I'd read the book and knew what to expect.  But Jesus, last night, the last five minutes of "The Fault in Our Stars" nailed me to the floor with emotion.  Most of the movie found me thinking about love and it's pull......and my journey.

****Stay with me on this ride, it might get a little bumpy for a minute :)

In the last two weeks you might say I've relapsed.  I mean, I haven't done anything to directly relapse, it's just been a few things adding up that have created a rather large feeling of discord in my pretty little soul.  Emotional relapse into a place where I'm feeling things in a sometimes more acute manner.
Translation: I'm easily moved to tears, doubts, partnered to fear of the unknown.

This past weekend, the 4th of July weekend - to be exact, on Saturday, I was rocked to the ground with something that happened.  I'm not spilling the beans on what exactly happened, I'm not ready for that yet, but I can tell you I was so hurt and shocked by the actions of another that I felt like I wanted to shrivel up and cry in a ball...in a very public place.  

A friend metaphorically "helped me up" by telling me to BREATHE and go have fun.  Suddenly my survival instincts came together and took action.
"I'll be god damned if I'm gonna sink because of this"
and I didn't.  The opposite.  I rose all the way up darling.
I literally ended up flying a kite with beautiful souls, kissing one for an hour or so, and breathing just fine.
There was a  moment while I was flying that kite (one of those fancy ones that takes a bit of tutorial to get flying) in which I felt all the weight of what happened that day take leave of my heart and soul.  A moment when I said to myself "Nate...you are a fighter.  You need to be more careful, yes.  But you aren't going to sink.  Let it go."

In that moment, I did let it go.
I can tell you those 24 hours were surreal in ways I can't describe.....the very definition of surreal.  I busied myself with healing on Sunday and felt like I was in good company to do so....Thank You JP.
I struggled with moments of tranquility, and moments of profound questioning.
I got bruised this weekend.  
#truth
And I'm heeding the warnings of the events.  
  • Simplify.  
  • Be careful with your hopes and dreams.  
  • There are no guarantees.
  • There has to be an easier way, and that way is within me..not outside of me.

and lastly.  To tie it together.

The Fault in Our Stars.
"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.  I like my choices, I hope she likes hers."
It occurred to me for much of my day today..........I need to be more careful in who I allow to hurt me.  Who I am vulnerable with.  I'd like to think I've become 1,000 times more intelligent over the last couple of years.  I've learned some deep life lessons, and I know I will learn a gazillion more in my travel thru this world.
This Saturday I put my trust in someone, something, that wasn't what it seemed.  In the past 6 months I've been very discriminate with doing this.  Mostly not putting trust in someone, unless you impressed me.
And I guess that's why this came as such a shock to mah system.  I was impressed.  I was given something that I felt like I could believe in.  Perhaps a bit naive....but something I'd given a lot of thought about.
SPLAT.

And then, I think about those that I've allowed to hurt me.  Those choice people.
We all get hurt, I'm not special.
We all get hurt.
And by people we love.
People we adore.
Humans I would do almost anything for.

These same entities that hurt us.......we hurt them too.
At the end of the day, it's about whether or not we chose the right people for those roles.
It's about whether that person loves you enough to accept the hurt we inflict on another....and is emotionally smart enough to know it's part of love.

Have I chosen wisely in my past?  I can't say today if I have or haven't.  I'm not sure if I'll ever know.
I can say...it'll be something I think a lot about for the next character in that spot.  I can say that, with lots of certainty.

forever,
Augustus Waters.
aka....Nately


How to Find The Groove You Lost

I know that everyone, every single person on this earth, has an evolutionary path.
I know the path is full of beauty, wonder and discovery.
I also know that along with all those things, other parts are a much different shade.  Darker.  Steeper.


Last summer was a time of dark. Meandering days of stifling and impossible oxygen.  I'd wake up and not want to breathe anymore. I'd roll over in the morning to see the bright sun, and curse it for not being dark and overcast outside. These days were filled with hate, anger,  and heart breaking irrational thought.


This summer I promised to live as much as I could.  Quite literally the opposite of last.  Vowing to find new pathways.  Preaching to experience new things.

The catalyst for my thunderous summer of pain was based in the termination of a relationship that had taken every last shred of my dignity, love and soul.  I lost friendships, money and hope in that time.
I did things for the sake of that relationship I will never do again, compromised parts of myself that I thought were flexible. In hindsight I acknowledge those pieces of me are concrete.
I've promised myself to never find myself altering my standards lower, as I did in that tornado.

Over the last year I've most definately stopped growing feelings or connectivity with some men because I better understand, through my previous compromises, what my exact non-negotiable standards of love are.  And for this I feel proud and strong.  My integrity is intact, my authentic self is developing.

In having moved through mountains of pain and ambiguous life questions in the last 365 days, I find the most distressing aspect to be something I am just now being able to pinpoint and articulate.

It all came to me this past weekend.  It started Saturday, on the beach.  And ended in a hotel room in NYC yesterday morning.
I've taken great steps at not exposing myself to my ex, and not allowing him access to me.  I have avoided situations, places and online opportunities for exposure to his life, times and experiences.
It's the best way for me, I know myself enough to know that being friends/casual acquaintances or otherwise with him would have been/will be disastrous.  I've defriended people on facebook because I run the risk of seeing a picture of him, of hearing of him.  I'm just not built that way.  Bravo to you if you are....try not to judge me for what I am.
I know he is not that much different than I.  The bottom line is that neither of us can be trusted with exposure to one another, we get all twisty and turny and we end up in a bad horror movie of emotions and actions.  He may not be able to admit this, but I know it to be true.  We've both lived it....communication and knowledge of one another leads us to each other....in bad fucked up ways.

So it was Saturday that we spent the day feet away from each other at the beach.  A small part of me envisioned plopping down next to him and quietly saying "hi" with a smile on my face and forgiveness in my heart.  A bigger part knew what the right option was for me, and that was to ignore him in an effort to not fall down the rabbit hole.

All the same, it takes your breath away doesn't it?  Seeing that person when you're not really expecting to.  I mean, I made a choice to go to Asbury Park, fully knowing he owned that territory.  It was a solid choice I made, to face this bullshit head on.
A friend I randomly ran into, also on the beach, walked into the water with me and said " I know you are ok, and that you know it's better this way, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt Nate."  Perfect sentiment.  Perfect.
Anyway, to bring it full circle...at one point I was up at the beach bar getting a drink.  I felt alienated to that which was around me, not feeling comfortable, not feeling like I knew where I was, and more importantly, who I was.
I could say that it was because of my having seen him, but the more the weekend progressed, I realize it had nothing to do with him.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back.
I've never seen this movie.  However, I refer to the title of this movie a lot.  It's meaning came into full light for me on Sunday, as a friend referenced that very movie.
Sunday, the rooftop of some hotel in NYC, celebrating Pride with 400 other guys - beautiful boys and the thump thump of beats in my feet and ears.
I realized a lot on that rooftop.........at that party.  I realized early in the day that not ONE part of me felt like any of them could possibly be attracted to me.  The negative narrative that was going on in my head was insane.  It all became too clear that my self image, my self worth....has been shit.
And it's entirely true that I'm on a merry go round of insecurities.  How did I not see this, or at least acknowledge how relevent it was to my current state ???

A few years ago a good friend of mine told me that he and a few other friends always talked about how much they admired how I could walk into a roomful of strangers and within no time at all connect with almost all of them, how I could socialize with such ease and comfort.  That people were genuinely attracted to my personality and charisma.
Those days are gone, I am a shadow of that person.  Now that I am reflecting, I know this to be true.  I'm guessing my wounds have gotten the best of me in this regard.  The rejection and the behavior I was engaged in for the last known years have taken it's toll on me.

Move forward to Sunday night in NYC.  I ended up really working on being present, worked on trying to be good to myself in my internal thoughts....and it helped a lot.
Suddenly, it was evident that my groove was there, waiting to be gotten.
We ended up at The Eagle.  For those of you who don't know much about this place, know that it isn't necessarily hard to meet people here.  Above all else, I will say it's an incredibly open and warm place to be.
I connected with several very attractive and interesting guys...because I was present and not fucking insecure  ****most notable was that insanely hot couple I made out with for some time (giggle giggle) as well as the man I went home with.  (who of course lives on another continent...but also invited me to Fire Island this weekend...the suffrages, i swear.)
This is in no way a true measure of me being self assured.  In fact, it's mostly not related.  The point is that I made a choice to believe in myself a little bit more on Sunday night, and it felt nice.
I have a long way to go.  I know I do.
I am honest with myself, finally admitting that most days I wake up and feel unlovable and unattractive.
And that, my friends, is distorted thinking....I know that much.

I'm not sure the pathway out of this.  I'm not totally sure if it's a quick fix or one that will take many years.....but knowing is most of the battle for me in some ways.  And I know feeling the way I have about myself is not acceptable.
BAM.
Thank you ma'am :)

Curbside Vingette


He just made me smile.  Almost instantly, he made me smile with his gruff boyishness and untold charm.

I'd decided to leave the gathering, the thickness of it all, and go spend some time enjoying the NYC I'd forgotten about.....the part of NYC that wasn't always looking over my shoulder to see if I was going to bump into that part of my life which previously disassembled my foundation and soul.
But then, he motioned to me to wait for him.  As I left the room, I wasn't sure if I was going to wait.....not sure it's importance in the scheme of my day... I digress.  I did wait, and a while later he came to where I was, put on what I assume to be his signature blue scarf, and we walked down the 4 floors to street level.  I descended with a smile in my breast pocket because he was with me.  An internal smug satisfaction.
Two hours later we kissed our final kiss.
But there I go again, skipping to the end....when what was between.....what was between is the Happening.  

For such a long time my world view of romance or "connectedness" was lavishly painted as a few years of bliss or a life shared.  
I see things much differently now.  I'm taking these Vignettes and cherishing them, wrapping them in bubble wrap, tucking them away someplace safe and special, within the confines of my heart.
The vignettes are just that, small snippets of very special moments.....sometimes we are fortunate enough to have those moments be the bridge to something bigger, something grander........turning into major story lines in our lives.  
Sometimes they don't.
I'm still learning not to grieve the unfulfilled potential of these. It's been a rough transition for me, the romantic...the LTR dude....when I feel some kind of raw connection (admittedly it's happening a lot more for me now that I'm allowing it to happen), it's hard for me to walk away from it without giving myself away too easily.....and bleeding just a little.  My burden I suppose.
But in some strange way nowadays, until that hammer connection happens...these special Happenings are like gold to me.  Like oxygen.

Anyway, it all took place on the streets of New York.  Not in a bed, not on a couch.
The first part on a corner in Hells Kitchen, the second part leaning up against the concrete foundation of his building a few blocks away.  He never invited me up, we never took our clothes off.  We kissed.

His lips and kisses were that which render me helpless.  Our kissing could not have been more intimate; slow and soft, yet demanding and expectant.  We took our time.
We shared the same oxygen.  We talked endlessly, and kissed in erratic patterns after blurting some special part of ourselves to the other.  He asked the questions, as did I.
He smiled coyly when telling me about his being part of something really big.  I told him about wanting to go camping.  He romanticized geography and the Adirondacks and vices.  I squatted against the building to make our height equal.  He pressed up against me, my legs engulfing him.

I muchly disliked saying goodbye.  His NYC life and all it's deep pockets of nightlife and dark personality are something I've learned I will always have to contend with when meeting someone who is living there.  Although to be honest....I don't have those expectations for once.

I'm not sure I'll ever see him again.  I'm not sure I'll ever taste that particular Sunday again. And as I've said, I struggle with these understandings, these lessons.  I'm just a little too sensitive with all of it still. But it happened. The Happening and my JM Vignette.....it happened.
And I smile and I feel a flutter when I think about it.

A friend texted me later in the day and said he'd seen me on the street while entwined in these two hours.....but didn't bother stopping, because it was clear to him that interrupting would have been stupid and selfish.
And that's when I knew waiting to leave, waiting for him, was the right thing to do.

Sometimes romance doesn't mean relationship and partnering.
Sometimes romance is two hours in the streets of NYC, blossoms from the trees floating down around you in a chilled spring afternoon, lips and legs and dreams and hopes cross sectioning.
Sometimes.....is just enough and a kiss is just a kiss.
Sometimes......... being left longing for more, is absolutely the cure.


I can see my sweet boy swaying

There is a scene in the movie "Home for the Holidays" that I've thought about a lot lately.  I replay it over and over in my mind.
The movie stars Holly Hunter, Robert Downy Jr, Claire Danes, Dylan McDermott....anyway if you have not seen it please do.  It's a classic really, trust me.  In one of the scenes, Holly and her sister are fighting.  Her sister is in her basement alone on her Stairmaster, sweating her ass off.  Holly comes down and tries talking with her.  They exchange some bitter words and the sister then asks Holly to leave...this isn't a direct quote but the sister (who is a miserable bitch) says something like this...
Now please leave so I can workout, this is about the only thing in my life that I actually enjoy.


About a  month ago my chiropractor told me that I needed to get an MRI.  I'd been going to him since before the holidays with lower back pain, and nothing was helping me get any relief.  It's the kind of back pain where I can't put on clothes and shoes without a great deal of struggle.  Sometimes it gives out and I can't move.  Really sucks.  There are lots of things that it has no impact on...I can workout certain body parts very easily, and others I can't.  Waking up is the worst, all stiff and can't move, sleeping sucks.  Sex isn't so easy...but I've managed....Wink wink.

I ended up getting an MRI and going to see and Orthopedic Surgeon who sat me down to tell me what was going on.  He said "Nathan, you are not going to be able to run again.  Ever.  I take that back, if you want to ruin your back more, you can...my orders would be to stop running for good."
I have advanced chronic degenerative disc disease at the L5-S1 level with mild chronic disc protrusion and neural canal stenosis.  Essentially the doctor thought that at some point in my life I'd had some kind of trauma in my lower back, to which has degenerated the disc.  Running makes it worse, and I am not allowed to run again according to him.  The starting point is physical therapy...it's not really doing much.  I refuse to take pain medication, not something my family history would recommend.

I think about that line from the movie.  This is about the only thing in my life that I actually enjoy.  
I"ve struggled with what is going on in my lower back and the outcome of it.  I have to tell you, it's not been easy.  Running was a way of living for me.  A way of surviving actually.
Summer 2013 was by far the lowest point of my life. I thought I'd hit a place of pain that I'd never surpass in the year prior to that, but boy o boy did I not know what was in store for me.
I evaporated last summer.  More pitch black than I'd ever thought possible.  Nothing I did could ease the heaviness in my heart and I soul.  Beaches made it worse, my bed made it worse.......the god damn shower made it worse.  The world went on around me and I felt paralyzed.  In early August though, something shifted.   I started to come up with a plan to keep on living.

I decided that I had to run. It started with one foot in front of the other.  I'd not gone to the gym for a long time, I'd not eaten much all summer...so I was really thin.  But I decided to run.  Just one. Small. Run.  I still couldn't listen to music because it felt like every lyric was out to make me remember something, or remind me, of stupid shit.  So it was just me and the pavement.  My short runs soon turned to longer ones and although life was still grey, I felt better.  I ran and ran.  Then, I tried listening to music again while on a run.  "We Can't Stop" played and I found myself in tears.   Tears of happiness because I was feeling something beside pain.   I felt.....alive. That song was pumping hard, I was running fast and far.......and I started to say "Fuck you" to all that was kicking my soul.
Fuck You.
Then decided to sign up for the NYC Marathon.  A crazy idea, starting to train so late in the game, but I did it. I signed up and took up raising money for Cancer.  Transformative.

I kicked ass in the marathon.  Really.  Kicked ass.  An even bigger FUCK YOU.  I got tons of support and love.  So much of that stuff that it made my heart hurt to think about how selfish it was to be so low in the months prior.  I know I had to feel all the things I felt, I know that.....but running....it saved my life.  I can honestly say that.   In the least dramatic way possible, it really did save my life.

While it's not the only thing I enjoy, it makes me incredibly nervous to be without it.  I'm not sure still what is in the cards with my back....but I feel lost without being able to smell the trees blooming up on Kelly Drive right now.  To not be with all the other people breathing their footsteps as they pace thru the days emotions.  I am nervous without it.

All year long I said I was going to do the Marathon again this year.  For cancer.  For me.  For the love of running.  The first time running it....feels surreal.  I can't describe it any other way.  I wanted to run it this year, and observe myself running it...if that makes sense.
I can't though.  I'm not stuck about it.  But I'm not happy.  I'm also not accepting the words spoken to me just yet.  We'll see.
Until then.  I absolutely have a Bib to run the Broad Street Run....it's up for grabs kids.





fade into you


I moved to Philadelphia on June 1, 2001.  Early on, in the first 6 months of my residence in Philadelphia, while walking to work I would suddenly be struck with a feeling.  I can only describe it as a SWELL of happiness.....of contentment. 
Life felt full of promise and adventure.  In many ways I felt like the world was there for me to own, to find, and to love.  I specifically remember one day (I can tell you the exact spot in front of where Jefferson's medical school now stands) and this powerful feeling came over me, this swell of emotion.  In full disclosure.......it brought tears to my eyes.  At the time, the emotion was borne from my connection to the world at large and the new journey I was on. The excitement of a crisp future.  That particular moment stuck with me, and I rate all my swell action in accordance to that one.

In consequent years that "swell" has hit me for two reasons.....feeling overjoyed, and feeling a certain heaviness.

It's just a moment.  It's a moment that I know I am lucky to have, by the way.  
I've known, kissed, dated people in the past who aren't lucky enough to feel this swell, either for good or for sad.  I'm lucky because I feel, I am connected and moved by things around me.  I don't take this for granted.

As I've gotten older the sensation has changed a bit.  Along with the feeling that my heart is going to burst out of it's containment unit, I am now also hit with a warm feeling in my face, followed by my face turning flush.   My earlobes are particularly impacted by this.  I know.  Fucking strange. I know.

I speak of this because in the past few days the swell visited.  And honestly, after all I put myself through in the past two years, the swell had gone missing.  Apparently my soul recently decided it was time to join the dance party again.  "May I have this dance, dudemanbro ?"

Anyway, I've been walking to work this week, with warmth and sun beating down on my face.  With my headphones (Wireless JayBirds btw are damn amazing) blaring a few select tunes. (instrumental soundtracks to movies are especially conducive to the swell)...it was happening.  Wave upon wave of excessive emotional connection to all that existed around me and in my heart/mind. Swell. 

Then, last night, on a phone call, I got the swell......maybe a better descriptor for this side of the swell, is sinking.   It happened in a moment of complete and utter awareness of my emotions.  And the emotions were heavy, doused with something like sadness, but not quite.  A longing for a different time, a different place.  A different geographic opportunity.  A different outcome.  A different answer.

I have no idea where the road leads on most days.  But most days now I can at least now lay in my nest at night and say....."I made some progress forward.  I'm walking, talking and feeling.  I'm succeeding" I feel every bit myself, and more.  The skin I'm in, is the person I want to be.  

I once again, as an independent contractor, feel excited by the world that waits.  I see promise, I see adventure.  I see swells, and sinking. I see it all. With eyes wide open, white knuckled and flushed of face. 

Don't be a stranger:)
Nately


Choosing Dauntless


The dates.  The specifics.  The locations.
Not so important.
What is important is that I decided to open my life up to you, after many months....the reasons are plenty.
I'm just here again.  Thats all you need to know.  Hopefully the right people read, and the wrong ones stay where they've been.
In deciding how and when to do this, I went back and read my past entries to figure out how I would use this space in the present.  It's not been an easy decision, as I've gotten criticism at being too open, too forthcoming with who I am.

**** a note on my past writing.
I made a decision to keep my past entries up, not delete them, and to not alter them.  Many of them are down right embarrassing, however, if you are joining me on this journey now, please know......I make no excuses about the things I've done.  
Each entry is essentially set up so you can see my thoughts, so I can come to some place of peace with whatever wave I am riding.  Unfortunately, the past entries here have been hyper focused on a particular topic...and for that I feel regret...I really do.  I see so clearly now, about these things.....I do wish I'd been able to figure it out much sooner.
And....the past is past.  I've forgiven myself, hopefully you can too. All the same, reading past entries really created a great deal of gratitude for the place I am now. The wicked game I was smothered in, the consequent course my life took since then......all behind me. All very deep in my soul and more transformative than anything I can remember.  
Love, and the consequent illumination it's destruction created, paved a heart-bled road to a higher level of compassion and life pursuit.  
The past entries were my script.  They were the lines I had to recite in the novel I was in..... at that particular time.  Let's see where I end up next. 

This post is really meant to be about goosebumps.  Goosebumps that you get from someone touching your heart, soul, and lips.  That fucking feeling.....what a feeling.  What a feeling, man.
A few weeks ago I spent 5 days getting to know a man.  Due to the special circumstances....it was like a speed dating excursion...that lasted for five days.  I've met a lot of men since I last wrote in here, but always knew that in meeting those men, it was mostly to test the waters that I was sailing in.  Very cautious and very alert.  And very much beyond what I was ready for.  Until.......Goosebumps.

It was a Wednesday night....our third meeting in as many days, he came to see me and we went to dinner.  Still not knowing the curves of his humor, the cracks of his smile or the tinkering of his mind....dinner started with appropriate apprehension about what we each liked to eat, how we liked to express satisfaction and how we were going to pay for the bill.  It ended with ear to ear smiles for me.
He was tired and worn down.....as he should have been, so we went back to my place and laid on my bed.  We laid on the bed and kissed.  We laid on the bed and held each other.  We laid on the bed, I played my favorite songs for him, and he did the same for me.  We laid on the bed and I looked in his eyes, as he shut them because of his long journey.  We laid there forever, or I wish it had been.  I couldn't believe it was happening, I couldn't believe I was there again.....to feel that way.  Breathless and beyond shocked that it was happening.  Breathless and breathing again.  Believe me when I tell you that I hold that moment trapped in my iris, when that song was playing....that moment when i felt goosebumps.  I hold that moment in my skin, on my neck.
I'd felt combinations of this in the previous months, but none that put it all together.

I went to see Divergent this weekend.  I thought it was beyond good, but for the purpose of this post...it's the soundtrack I speak to.  The soundtrack was beautiful and moving....i downloaded it Saturday morning.  One of the tracks was called "Choosing Dauntless".  (watch the movie or read the book to see what it means).
Now, putting it all together............
To describe the task of furthering this relationship with that man, I texted him today and used the word "daunting".  Not ideal. Not easy.
So much working against us to move forward.
So much potential waiting ahead too.
Who knows what tomorrow brings. Who can say if we will be dauntless or if we will dauntingly shut it down.
I want what is best for me.  For us.
I won't forget though.  This man.
The one who taught me the impossible.
The one who gave me goosebumps.  Again.

Welcome back friends.
Nately




Smile Like You Mean It


It's been entirely impossible to write a post here.
I have been going thru a crisis of identity here on ALL THESE THINGS.  For good reason, some internal, and some external.

In the past, I put myself, my experiences and my challenges out there for the world to see.  And A LOT of people stop in here to check out my life.  A lot more than I ever knew.  Once I stopped writing, the comments about my absence started to pour in.  Most of you proposed there was something either really good........or really bad going on.

You were right.
Nate's axis was tilting. No questions about that.  I'm just struggling with what to share.  With what is public and what is private.
I'd become a walking dichotomy.  Advising to keep things private, yet sharing everything.

So here I am, and I think that I have, alone, come up with my new direction.  I've come to the place where I better understand what I need.
What I need out of life
What I need out of this blog.
And what I need from my love.

It's true that I am in love again, never having fallen out of love.
I still struggle with a great many thing, just like the rest of you.  Day in, day out.
After this weekend though, I knew I had to write.  I knew I had to put a few details out there.

Going on 5 months now, the last two months we've laid the mortar and bricks to a pathway for a future that is bright and solid.
All the same, there were things.....items from the past that directly intersected with the present....and consequently the future.

This past Weekend is one such example.

This weekend we went to Gary and Alyssa's Saturday night.  Parts of this are very private...it's true.   However I have to tell you, in the days after my Saturday evening, I want to share.
It can all be expressed by one specific moment.
Grayson was supposed to be asleep in his crib when we got there.  We peeked in, and little dude was bright eyed and trying to stand up in his dark room, smelling of baby lotion and innocence.
The moment when Grayson's pacifier came out of his mouth and he was looking at Michael directly in the face for the very first time, and smiling.....that beautiful moment......I melted.  I won't be forgetting that moment for a very long time.  Symbolism.....feeling like the sprint was over.

In life you have moments that fill the space between weddings,  between the weekends in the mountains or rolling around on your beach blankets, the holidays and trips to Paris or even Istanbul. These moments occur far more than the grander, more special events do.  At times, these moments are sitting in Rittenhouse after work reading my ipad and getting moved to tears by whatever book I am reading.  Other times, these moments are an intimate evening with my best friends and my partner in life.
The relevance here is that because of Saturday night, my future changed.  It shifted.  It became so much more than it was when I woke up on Saturday morning.  Plans for the future got more meaningful, more rich.  I'm excited for the weekend in THE PINES, true.  But I'm also excited for Grayson's 1st Birthday Party - something I can share with my man, and my urban family.  Together.  I am so grateful for this.

What's most important about this, is that true friendship + love, unconditional and universally powerful, made this possible.
I have the most amazing people in my life.  Not only is it my Michael, and all that he has become to me in such powerful and stunning ways.......Not just Gary and Alyssa....one of the units who are always there to pick me up and open their souls to me.  Not only is it me - and the habits and conditioning of relationships past that I've shed.
And it's not just about Brooklyn, gay camping, or Brigantine or Izzy G, or Molly Katz, or my CHOP sister or my momma.  It's about the circle of love and life that I have worked so hard to grasp.  It's about these people....that see me through the good and the bad.  The sparkles, and the ugly.

It's been a strange, tough, dazzling, fireworky road I've been on.  That I walked.
Man o man.  Am I happy to be here.
In the now, it's good.

I wanted you to know that.  I wanted to show you that.  I hope you can see it.  I can.
And thank you.


drawing the line

Astor Place.  Felicity.

Friday I ended up staying home from work because I had some kind of stomach bug.  It's Monday now and I'm feeling rather well.  Although, honestly I don't have much of an appetite.  Not a bad thing I think. (wink wink)

I slept most of the day and thru the night.  I couldn't help it, but it was really all I could do.
In between the naps and running into the bathroom, I put on Felicity.  Obsession.  I was obsessed back in the day these episodes aired, and am still.

I am not sure how or why I got hooked, but watching this show became a coping strategy for me.  It wasn't a diversion from my life, it was a part of my life.  It became a way that I self-soothed.  Some weeks there was nothing bad going on in my young life....yet it still soothed me.  Warmed my soul a little bit.  It was also an introduction to deep processing.  Stupid as it is, it opened me up to realizing that I was a deep thinker.  I identified with Felicity because she overanalyzed everything, and even though she meant to do well, she usually fucked things up....also something I identified with.  Then there was the obvious....the backdrop of NYC and the fucking amazing soundtrack the show put out.  Yeah.  It was a definite Self Soothing Tool.

Self soothing, activities or behaviors we engage in to help us feel calm and at ease.  In my life, there have been many of these strategies I've employed to help me stay at ease.  When I was really young, I remember, it was sticking my pointer finger in my belly button and swirling it around in a circular motion.  It helped calm me.
In an odd twist of fate, last year (the year I came undone) I subconsciously engaged in a self soothing tool that I haven't used or even knew existed for many years.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say junior high.
Last year, when I was curled up in my bed or on the base of my shower crying, I realized I'd started to take my thumb and pointer finger and softly pinch my bottom lip.  I would go back and forth, side to side, pinching.  I remember that when I was young, it was how I would sooth myself to sleep.  It's been well over 20  years since I did this.....but when I reverted, emotionally, to a child last year....my child self soothing tool kicked in.
Insane right.  Insane.

Felicity would speak into a tape recorder every week, lamenting her college life challenges to her friend "Sally".
So often, I've viewed this blog as my "sally" .
It's been a while since I have invested in time here, but I kinda feel like I should.  The hard part, the interesting part, is that I learned a valuable lesson last year...to keep some things private.  I want to do that, but it's hard to do that when I am trying to unload and self sooth here.
Haven't figured out that balance....but I should tell you.  It's been three months and I have kept relatively quiet.  Three months of not making a big deal out of something, that is relatively big.

Oh well.  In the meantime, I haven't reached the point in Felicity when she goes into Astor Place and cuts her hair.  Many view this as a turning point in the show.  But I understand.  I understand why she did it....
A change.  A change will do you good child.

Muchly -
Nate

I wrap my hands around you neck with love


It's all I have, finding the voice.

I sat in my cafeteria at work today, reading my new book on my iPad.  I was jammed up, kinda like when your copier at work gets all messed up, and you have to spend five torturous minutes attempting to find where the jam is, and then ....unjam it.  It's annoyance - high level alert.

Anyway, I knew I was jammed because I wanted/needed/demanded of myself that I take time alone.  Often times, being alone produces a lot of writing, and often times being alone means I get lost in a song or book.
So here I was, in the crispy first pages of my eBook....attempting to get lost.

I could not find the voice.
I couldn't find the voice of the person narrating the pages.  I struggled to find the cadence, tone and texture of the voice.  Every sentence took work to get thru. But I pushed through, attempting to find the voice.
I found it.  I persisted and I CANNOT wait to keep reading this book.  Sometimes it just takes a while.

So it is in life.  I have come to that conclusion.
We live in an age of electronic and impersonal touches. I reach out to touch someone I care about, with electronic arms.  And there is no feeling attached to those pulses of electricity.  
Unsettled with this lack of feeling, I think most of us attempt to assign a feeling to that email, or text.  We automatically go about giving that text a voice.  Sometimes we read it and translate it into our brains and hearts as sultry, angry, mean, happy, annoyed......there really is NO general reason for most of it, most of the time.  Yet, we do it anyway.
If someone talks in all CAPS - we know what that means, outside of that.......we come up short.
Time and time again, I get burned internally by miss-assigning a voice to a text.

There is something new going on for me, something new indeed.
It's not something I am ready to share with the mass unknown readers of this blog.   All the same, I have tried desperately to break thru my old pattern of assigning a tone to a text.  Furthermore, in trying to be content with communicating everything in electronic ways I am unsatisfied.  It gets too complicated and ends up blowing up if there is any room for interpretation.  And I've simply HAD it with living my life that way.

So take this as a rant, a notice.  I'm calling more.
I'm make you uncomfortable by hearing my voice. I don't care if you are busy, and honestly- at times, I don't really care if you are at work.
Put up the mother fucking phone and talk to me.
Text me that you miss me.
Email me plans.
But if you wanna tell me you love me, let me feel it.  Let it enter my soul through my ears, not my eyes alone.


In the garden of good and evil



1999-2000

We boarded the train in Baltimore.  
It was free for me because I was working for Amtrak at the time.  Dan and Meridith didn't get so lucky with the train fee......but it was the Millenium, for the love of God. 
We had to do something fun, and the two of them were in my blood at that point.  My best friends.  
So it was on New Year's Eve 1999 we fled Baltimore, in favor of NYC.  
I'd had a few trips up there by this time, with fleeting success at really being independent.  I had to rely on my friends who lived there to make sure I knew what was what.
This trip, my friend Dana gave us her apartment on the Lower East Side.  An area of the city that I still cherish, my first love in that grand city.  

We got off the train, the air was crisp with fear the world was going to end.  Manholes were being sealed shut.  And our night was just beginning.  We ended up going for early drinks at a variety of places.  The last one I can remember was the Hanger in the West Village.  When I say early drinks, I mean....maybe it was 6pm.

 I remember leaving that bar and going back to Dana's apartment for a spontaneous silly photo shoot with our cameras.  Drinking all the while...until it was time to go to the Roxy.  
We spent the Millenium at the Roxy.  Pretty nuts.  Each of us had our own scenes happening.
I lost Meridtih and Dan at some point.  
Ended up going home with some guy Pascal.

It was a long night full of hijinx.
I'd solidified plans to go to back to visit Pascal the following weekend. 

I went up that next weekend for some underground party, that was supposed to be all the rage. 
Anyway, I got to Pascal's and quickly realized that I had zero interest in him.  zero. One of his friends told me that Pascal confided in him and told him that he thought I was the "one"

 Anyway there were lots of drugs and lots of odd guests in his very well appointed condo.
Later that night at G, his friend Cristofe showed up.  Immediately I knew trouble was to be had.  Cristofe wanted me.  He talked to me, flirted with me, and made it known to me that he was sad he was going to have to betray his friend Pascal, in order to take me home that night.  
So it is written.  
We go to this party, dance, get deep in each other's mouths and we leave.  Only, we dont go to Cristofe's place.  
We go to Pascal's place to get my bags. I was moving out.  And into Cristofes bed.
I will say this. It was a fine bed. A fun bed.  An all night long bed.  Did I mention he was from Paris?
I thought I had died. So handsome, and he fracken made me Crepes in the morning !!!!
He loved me too.  He was leaving for Paris for two weeks to visit his family.
He told me the date he was coming back to the U.S.A., and said I was to meet him at his place that day.
While he was away, I got a few postcards from France.  
On the train ride up to meet him, post France trip, I drank wine to help calm my nerves.  Was sooooo worked up.  I kept a journal from this time in my life, you should read it.  Ha.

 but then.  then something happened.  well. someone showed up to that apartment in midtown.  
I'd been warned about her.  Told of her follies and hurtful ways.  After a half hour, it was clear, Cristofe was not feeling me.  Here i was, all doe eyed and lovelorn.  
That bitch.  She'd been there just before me.  In fact I think I bumped into her in that loft elevator shaft.
You see boys, Karma steps in about 10 minutes before you get there.  Times it perfectly for optimal effect.

 Karma's feeling, in this case, was that I fucked over Pascal, so Cristofe would have to fuck me over.  .........it hurt.  I'd invested some hopes on that man. 

I often see Cristofe online and wonder, what did Karma do to him.  We all deserved what we got.  Its just, what did he get?  

 Hopefully a fun night if nothing else.  I know I did.  And a little tiny crack in my heart.
On the train ride back to Baltimore, I thought I'd die.  Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.  
So it is.  Here we are.  Loving more than we should.  Loosing more than whats fair.  But.  Here we are.

 All snakes in the garden.  Of good and evil.

Katniss takes a tumble

***  Before we begin here today kids.  I must must must talk about Jennifer Lawrence and the SAG awards.  Yes she flashed some skin when getting on stage, but if you haven't seen her fall when she got up from her table, you must google it.  Girl takes a tumble.  It's damn funny.  
Of course she handled it with class and perfection.  Oh, if you havent' seen Silver Linings Playbook.  Do yourself a favor and get there.  It's so very good.  Love isn't perfect, and neither are humans.  This movie helps you see this with humor and love in your heart. 

 BTW - totally had a dream last night that Jennifer and I were besties.  Then I woke up.  Sadness :)
*****************************************************************
"only you, know the emptiness I feel when you're with me
everything you say i'm on my knees
baby i'm on my knees
baby i'm on my knees
baby i'm on my knees"          Only you.




"Baby, I'll give you everything you need
I'll give you everything you need, oh
I'll give you everything you need
But I don't think I need you"       Anything Can Happen


I went to see Ellie Goulding Friday night.  Some people get moved by music, most people do I think.  Maybe not as often as I, but I think there are times when a song hits you directly in your soul.  Let me say, this happens to me too much. I'm a big puss for songs that fit directly in the moment of my life.
Such was Ellie.  Her stage presence was a big rough......honestly, the way she moved was really --- intense.  She was there to sing her face off, dance like she rocked out with her cock out and that was that.  I haven't seen such a thing in a long time.  She moved hot !!!!!  Was so powerful.  I did tear up a few times.  One of them being at the above clip - something goes awry in the clip I got, but if I had kept videoing for a few more minutes - you woulda had goosebumps.

"We're under the sheets
And you're killing me
In our house made of paper,
Your words all over me
We're under the sheets
And you're killing me"
Ellie Goulding was chosen to sing at the Royal Wedding.  There is a reason for that.  Her second album is fucking insane.  I listen to her constantly.  Halcyon - the second album is very very much perfect for me, at this space and time in my life.  Every day brings new meaning to each song, but I love all of them.  And her.  Grateful to have been able to see her.

 OK FOLKS.
Peace out and love me long time.

 Nathan Everdean

Stay until your love is Alive and Kicking

*** I edited this entry about 400 times.  It was written Thursday night.




Indian Buffet.

It's also known, in some circles, as the "play yourself buffet".
Some of you may be too proud to eat from public buffets.  Nathan S Ridgley, is not one of those people.  And the Indian Buffet, New Delhi in West Philadelphia, is a darling buffet.
Kevin and I used to go on Sundays.  We tried to spread it out, so that we wouldn't become the tall, fat couple.  The reason it came to be known as the "play yourself buffet" is because when you get there....you think, "oh.  I can definitely limit how much I eat. Only two plates, and only a few scoops of the chicken korma on each plate"
Something happens though, and within a half hour it's impossible to make any facial expressions.  The bloat reaches up to your cheeks and you need to use the little bit of oxygen you have left in your body to stay awake long enough to drive home.  You end up, as fate would have it, playing yourself...playa.
No control.  None.  Just. One. More. Piece. Of. Naan.
Fistful over fistful of jasmine rice, three samosa's all lined up.....tandorri chicken........
BAM.  Can't breathe, can't get too far from a bathroom, and you certainly..... most definitely can't imagine going back to that hell hole again.
Until the following Sunday, that is.

So it is.
I went to a very special "play yourself buffet" the last week or so.  Yup.  Bib and all.

Man o Man, did I overeat !!!!
Like a professional.  I saddled up and piled it on high.
And played my damn self.
I knew better, and I shuffled up to the counter like a big girl and helped myself to some good fucking stuff, man.  Damn was it good.  Then.....WHOMP - BAM - POW.
Ownership.  Only myself to blame.

It's pretty confusing, but yeah....my ass got hurt good this week.  In very convoluted ways, I got served.
The thing you need to know though, is I was knowledgable this might happen, I was told....I'm not ready.
However a sleepless night Tuesday with tears in my eyes that hadn't been there for a while, mixed with a pain in my heart.....yuckykins.

But who am I?  What the fuck do I know?  LOL.  Learning more and more.  Everyday.
And wish I didn't have this yucky feeling, about myself.  And about it.

As hard as it was, I made a good decision for myself because all i know is how I want to feel.  I was not feeling that way this week.  Something was hurting me and I made a decision.   Choosing to get away from the pain.   I would not have done in the past.  I feel proud of my decision.
In truth though, I'm still hurting.
Stings.
Further testimony that when it comes to a lot of stuff in life, I am simply a student, learning about my deficits and etching a new pathway.
Further testimony that I am a sensitive guy, who will always feel things in his heart.  No matter how hard I try to shut it out.  A part of me I am trying to tame.  Not easy.
Further testimony that it's important to know, things are just not always what they seem.  Even the things that are within your own self.
Further testimony that I will always have a strong conscience and it's unfair of me to think other people have one that matches mine.  I find this to be true not only in my love relationships, but in other relationships as well.  Something people always say of me is that I am so kind and loving.  It's true, I will avoid hurting people or making them feel bad, at my own expense.  I will never try to get rid of this, but I have to realistic that my conscience is special and unique.  Once I figure this out, I'll feel much less disappointed in those I love, and the human race in general.  (this sounds snooty....not meant to be.  I genuinely recognize that my expectations of others is, at times, unrealistic)

As I've said before, I finally understand that I don't know everything.  I know how I FEEL lots of times, but I don't have ALL the answers.
(a strikingly obvious yet HUGE thing came out of therapy this week.  it boils down to one, shocking sentence..."Nathan, he may have not had any relationship experience.  But you have not had any HEALTHY relationship experience"  
BAM. BAM. BAM.  I know that being in a 10 year relationship gives you a certain amount of knowledge about relationships....but BAM.  That sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought of that.  Something to consider for my future endeavors.)

 It took me a long time to get here, but I'm here.  Here isn't a place of "I figured it out" ......It's a place of humility paired with a knowledge of what is right and what is wrong, for both myself and for others.  Open to knowing more.  Open to hurting less.  Open to someone who knows how to walk with me on that journey.  Together, yet separate.
I'm also learning that my intensity can be intimidating....I'm not sure how to reign that in, but I'm working on it.  And by intensity I am talking more about my speed....my pace, my passionate reactivity.
I move fast, and come to conclusions WAY too mindlessly.  That has to stop.  It has to.  Knowing is half the battle, and I am starting to know a lot, and trust.....it's turning into change.
Again, so very happy to be here.

*******************************************************************************

That said, I rearranged my office today.  I called an old friend.  Tonight, I went to a Tabata class at my gym (planking is evil.  pure evil)  and then raced to a Hatha Yoga class as well.  I am working my ass off to get rid of this hurt/anger/pain/need to find an answer.  I'll push through it.  I will. I promise.

I have a super awesome and fun weekend ahead of me including, but not limited to, Ellie Goulding (I CANNOT WAIT) NYC, and ending the weekend back in Philly with Franklin up in the house for a week (I am also bringing him to work on Monday...can't wait).  Very excited for all of it.  After this hurricane of a week, I look forward to making the best with what I got this weekend !!!!!!

And....you know what ? I want to dance.  I wanna dance my face off.  I wanna dance with anyone and everyone.  I wanna scream the words to songs and thump to the deepest club beats there are.  That would be fun.  Won't happen this weekend, but.......I just wanna fucking dance,  I wanna shut down the club with youuuuuuu.......so dj, play my motha fucking song !!!!

and most of all.  The only person I am going to be playing is ...............(picking what's playing on my iphone right now) Bruno Mars - Gorilla.

Alive and Kicking
Nathan S.R.