I moved to Philadelphia on June 1, 2001. Early on, in the first 6 months of my residence in Philadelphia, while walking to work I would suddenly be struck with a feeling. I can only describe it as a SWELL of happiness.....of contentment.
Life felt full of promise and adventure. In many ways I felt like the world was there for me to own, to find, and to love. I specifically remember one day (I can tell you the exact spot in front of where Jefferson's medical school now stands) and this powerful feeling came over me, this swell of emotion. In full disclosure.......it brought tears to my eyes. At the time, the emotion was borne from my connection to the world at large and the new journey I was on. The excitement of a crisp future. That particular moment stuck with me, and I rate all my swell action in accordance to that one.
In consequent years that "swell" has hit me for two reasons.....feeling overjoyed, and feeling a certain heaviness.
It's just a moment. It's a moment that I know I am lucky to have, by the way.
I've known, kissed, dated people in the past who aren't lucky enough to feel this swell, either for good or for sad. I'm lucky because I feel, I am connected and moved by things around me. I don't take this for granted.
As I've gotten older the sensation has changed a bit. Along with the feeling that my heart is going to burst out of it's containment unit, I am now also hit with a warm feeling in my face, followed by my face turning flush. My earlobes are particularly impacted by this. I know. Fucking strange. I know.
I speak of this because in the past few days the swell visited. And honestly, after all I put myself through in the past two years, the swell had gone missing. Apparently my soul recently decided it was time to join the dance party again. "May I have this dance, dudemanbro ?"
Anyway, I've been walking to work this week, with warmth and sun beating down on my face. With my headphones (Wireless JayBirds btw are damn amazing) blaring a few select tunes. (instrumental soundtracks to movies are especially conducive to the swell)...it was happening. Wave upon wave of excessive emotional connection to all that existed around me and in my heart/mind. Swell.
Then, last night, on a phone call, I got the swell......maybe a better descriptor for this side of the swell, is sinking. It happened in a moment of complete and utter awareness of my emotions. And the emotions were heavy, doused with something like sadness, but not quite. A longing for a different time, a different place. A different geographic opportunity. A different outcome. A different answer.
I have no idea where the road leads on most days. But most days now I can at least now lay in my nest at night and say....."I made some progress forward. I'm walking, talking and feeling. I'm succeeding" I feel every bit myself, and more. The skin I'm in, is the person I want to be.
I once again, as an independent contractor, feel excited by the world that waits. I see promise, I see adventure. I see swells, and sinking. I see it all. With eyes wide open, white knuckled and flushed of face.
Don't be a stranger:)
Nately