The dates. The specifics. The locations.
Not so important.
What is important is that I decided to open my life up to you, after many months....the reasons are plenty.
I'm just here again. Thats all you need to know. Hopefully the right people read, and the wrong ones stay where they've been.
In deciding how and when to do this, I went back and read my past entries to figure out how I would use this space in the present. It's not been an easy decision, as I've gotten criticism at being too open, too forthcoming with who I am.
**** a note on my past writing.
I made a decision to keep my past entries up, not delete them, and to not alter them. Many of them are down right embarrassing, however, if you are joining me on this journey now, please know......I make no excuses about the things I've done.
Each entry is essentially set up so you can see my thoughts, so I can come to some place of peace with whatever wave I am riding. Unfortunately, the past entries here have been hyper focused on a particular topic...and for that I feel regret...I really do. I see so clearly now, about these things.....I do wish I'd been able to figure it out much sooner.
And....the past is past. I've forgiven myself, hopefully you can too. All the same, reading past entries really created a great deal of gratitude for the place I am now. The wicked game I was smothered in, the consequent course my life took since then......all behind me. All very deep in my soul and more transformative than anything I can remember.
Love, and the consequent illumination it's destruction created, paved a heart-bled road to a higher level of compassion and life pursuit.
The past entries were my script. They were the lines I had to recite in the novel I was in..... at that particular time. Let's see where I end up next.
This post is really meant to be about goosebumps. Goosebumps that you get from someone touching your heart, soul, and lips. That fucking feeling.....what a feeling. What a feeling, man.
A few weeks ago I spent 5 days getting to know a man. Due to the special circumstances....it was like a speed dating excursion...that lasted for five days. I've met a lot of men since I last wrote in here, but always knew that in meeting those men, it was mostly to test the waters that I was sailing in. Very cautious and very alert. And very much beyond what I was ready for. Until.......Goosebumps.
It was a Wednesday night....our third meeting in as many days, he came to see me and we went to dinner. Still not knowing the curves of his humor, the cracks of his smile or the tinkering of his mind....dinner started with appropriate apprehension about what we each liked to eat, how we liked to express satisfaction and how we were going to pay for the bill. It ended with ear to ear smiles for me.
He was tired and worn down.....as he should have been, so we went back to my place and laid on my bed. We laid on the bed and kissed. We laid on the bed and held each other. We laid on the bed, I played my favorite songs for him, and he did the same for me. We laid on the bed and I looked in his eyes, as he shut them because of his long journey. We laid there forever, or I wish it had been. I couldn't believe it was happening, I couldn't believe I was there again.....to feel that way. Breathless and beyond shocked that it was happening. Breathless and breathing again. Believe me when I tell you that I hold that moment trapped in my iris, when that song was playing....that moment when i felt goosebumps. I hold that moment in my skin, on my neck.
I'd felt combinations of this in the previous months, but none that put it all together.
I went to see Divergent this weekend. I thought it was beyond good, but for the purpose of this post...it's the soundtrack I speak to. The soundtrack was beautiful and moving....i downloaded it Saturday morning. One of the tracks was called "Choosing Dauntless". (watch the movie or read the book to see what it means).
Now, putting it all together............
To describe the task of furthering this relationship with that man, I texted him today and used the word "daunting". Not ideal. Not easy.
So much working against us to move forward.
So much potential waiting ahead too.
Who knows what tomorrow brings. Who can say if we will be dauntless or if we will dauntingly shut it down.
I want what is best for me. For us.
I won't forget though. This man.
The one who taught me the impossible.
The one who gave me goosebumps. Again.
Welcome back friends.
Nately