I have been going thru a crisis of identity here on ALL THESE THINGS. For good reason, some internal, and some external.
In the past, I put myself, my experiences and my challenges out there for the world to see. And A LOT of people stop in here to check out my life. A lot more than I ever knew. Once I stopped writing, the comments about my absence started to pour in. Most of you proposed there was something either really good........or really bad going on.
You were right.
Nate's axis was tilting. No questions about that. I'm just struggling with what to share. With what is public and what is private.
I'd become a walking dichotomy. Advising to keep things private, yet sharing everything.
So here I am, and I think that I have, alone, come up with my new direction. I've come to the place where I better understand what I need.
What I need out of life
What I need out of this blog.
And what I need from my love.
It's true that I am in love again, never having fallen out of love.
I still struggle with a great many thing, just like the rest of you. Day in, day out.
After this weekend though, I knew I had to write. I knew I had to put a few details out there.
Going on 5 months now, the last two months we've laid the mortar and bricks to a pathway for a future that is bright and solid.
All the same, there were things.....items from the past that directly intersected with the present....and consequently the future.
This past Weekend is one such example.
This weekend we went to Gary and Alyssa's Saturday night. Parts of this are very private...it's true. However I have to tell you, in the days after my Saturday evening, I want to share.
It can all be expressed by one specific moment.
Grayson was supposed to be asleep in his crib when we got there. We peeked in, and little dude was bright eyed and trying to stand up in his dark room, smelling of baby lotion and innocence.
The moment when Grayson's pacifier came out of his mouth and he was looking at Michael directly in the face for the very first time, and smiling.....that beautiful moment......I melted. I won't be forgetting that moment for a very long time. Symbolism.....feeling like the sprint was over.
In life you have moments that fill the space between weddings, between the weekends in the mountains or rolling around on your beach blankets, the holidays and trips to Paris or even Istanbul. These moments occur far more than the grander, more special events do. At times, these moments are sitting in Rittenhouse after work reading my ipad and getting moved to tears by whatever book I am reading. Other times, these moments are an intimate evening with my best friends and my partner in life.
The relevance here is that because of Saturday night, my future changed. It shifted. It became so much more than it was when I woke up on Saturday morning. Plans for the future got more meaningful, more rich. I'm excited for the weekend in THE PINES, true. But I'm also excited for Grayson's 1st Birthday Party - something I can share with my man, and my urban family. Together. I am so grateful for this.
What's most important about this, is that true friendship + love, unconditional and universally powerful, made this possible.
I have the most amazing people in my life. Not only is it my Michael, and all that he has become to me in such powerful and stunning ways.......Not just Gary and Alyssa....one of the units who are always there to pick me up and open their souls to me. Not only is it me - and the habits and conditioning of relationships past that I've shed.
And it's not just about Brooklyn, gay camping, or Brigantine or Izzy G, or Molly Katz, or my CHOP sister or my momma. It's about the circle of love and life that I have worked so hard to grasp. It's about these people....that see me through the good and the bad. The sparkles, and the ugly.
It's been a strange, tough, dazzling, fireworky road I've been on. That I walked.
Man o man. Am I happy to be here.
In the now, it's good.
I wanted you to know that. I wanted to show you that. I hope you can see it. I can.
And thank you.