Friday I ended up staying home from work because I had some kind of stomach bug. It's Monday now and I'm feeling rather well. Although, honestly I don't have much of an appetite. Not a bad thing I think. (wink wink)
I slept most of the day and thru the night. I couldn't help it, but it was really all I could do.
In between the naps and running into the bathroom, I put on Felicity. Obsession. I was obsessed back in the day these episodes aired, and am still.
I am not sure how or why I got hooked, but watching this show became a coping strategy for me. It wasn't a diversion from my life, it was a part of my life. It became a way that I self-soothed. Some weeks there was nothing bad going on in my young life....yet it still soothed me. Warmed my soul a little bit. It was also an introduction to deep processing. Stupid as it is, it opened me up to realizing that I was a deep thinker. I identified with Felicity because she overanalyzed everything, and even though she meant to do well, she usually fucked things up....also something I identified with. Then there was the obvious....the backdrop of NYC and the fucking amazing soundtrack the show put out. Yeah. It was a definite Self Soothing Tool.
Self soothing, activities or behaviors we engage in to help us feel calm and at ease. In my life, there have been many of these strategies I've employed to help me stay at ease. When I was really young, I remember, it was sticking my pointer finger in my belly button and swirling it around in a circular motion. It helped calm me.
In an odd twist of fate, last year (the year I came undone) I subconsciously engaged in a self soothing tool that I haven't used or even knew existed for many years. In fact, I'd go so far as to say junior high.
Last year, when I was curled up in my bed or on the base of my shower crying, I realized I'd started to take my thumb and pointer finger and softly pinch my bottom lip. I would go back and forth, side to side, pinching. I remember that when I was young, it was how I would sooth myself to sleep. It's been well over 20 years since I did this.....but when I reverted, emotionally, to a child last year....my child self soothing tool kicked in.
Insane right. Insane.
Felicity would speak into a tape recorder every week, lamenting her college life challenges to her friend "Sally".
So often, I've viewed this blog as my "sally" .
It's been a while since I have invested in time here, but I kinda feel like I should. The hard part, the interesting part, is that I learned a valuable lesson last year...to keep some things private. I want to do that, but it's hard to do that when I am trying to unload and self sooth here.
Haven't figured out that balance....but I should tell you. It's been three months and I have kept relatively quiet. Three months of not making a big deal out of something, that is relatively big.
Oh well. In the meantime, I haven't reached the point in Felicity when she goes into Astor Place and cuts her hair. Many view this as a turning point in the show. But I understand. I understand why she did it....
A change. A change will do you good child.
Muchly -
Nate