It's all I have, finding the voice.
I sat in my cafeteria at work today, reading my new book on my iPad. I was jammed up, kinda like when your copier at work gets all messed up, and you have to spend five torturous minutes attempting to find where the jam is, and then ....unjam it. It's annoyance - high level alert.
Anyway, I knew I was jammed because I wanted/needed/demanded of myself that I take time alone. Often times, being alone produces a lot of writing, and often times being alone means I get lost in a song or book.
So here I was, in the crispy first pages of my eBook....attempting to get lost.
I could not find the voice.
I couldn't find the voice of the person narrating the pages. I struggled to find the cadence, tone and texture of the voice. Every sentence took work to get thru. But I pushed through, attempting to find the voice.
I found it. I persisted and I CANNOT wait to keep reading this book. Sometimes it just takes a while.
So it is in life. I have come to that conclusion.
We live in an age of electronic and impersonal touches. I reach out to touch someone I care about, with electronic arms. And there is no feeling attached to those pulses of electricity.
Unsettled with this lack of feeling, I think most of us attempt to assign a feeling to that email, or text. We automatically go about giving that text a voice. Sometimes we read it and translate it into our brains and hearts as sultry, angry, mean, happy, annoyed......there really is NO general reason for most of it, most of the time. Yet, we do it anyway.
If someone talks in all CAPS - we know what that means, outside of that.......we come up short.
Time and time again, I get burned internally by miss-assigning a voice to a text.
There is something new going on for me, something new indeed.
It's not something I am ready to share with the mass unknown readers of this blog. All the same, I have tried desperately to break thru my old pattern of assigning a tone to a text. Furthermore, in trying to be content with communicating everything in electronic ways I am unsatisfied. It gets too complicated and ends up blowing up if there is any room for interpretation. And I've simply HAD it with living my life that way.
So take this as a rant, a notice. I'm calling more.
I'm make you uncomfortable by hearing my voice. I don't care if you are busy, and honestly- at times, I don't really care if you are at work.
Put up the mother fucking phone and talk to me.
Text me that you miss me.
Email me plans.
But if you wanna tell me you love me, let me feel it. Let it enter my soul through my ears, not my eyes alone.