The movie stars Holly Hunter, Robert Downy Jr, Claire Danes, Dylan McDermott....anyway if you have not seen it please do. It's a classic really, trust me. In one of the scenes, Holly and her sister are fighting. Her sister is in her basement alone on her Stairmaster, sweating her ass off. Holly comes down and tries talking with her. They exchange some bitter words and the sister then asks Holly to leave...this isn't a direct quote but the sister (who is a miserable bitch) says something like this...
Now please leave so I can workout, this is about the only thing in my life that I actually enjoy.
About a month ago my chiropractor told me that I needed to get an MRI. I'd been going to him since before the holidays with lower back pain, and nothing was helping me get any relief. It's the kind of back pain where I can't put on clothes and shoes without a great deal of struggle. Sometimes it gives out and I can't move. Really sucks. There are lots of things that it has no impact on...I can workout certain body parts very easily, and others I can't. Waking up is the worst, all stiff and can't move, sleeping sucks. Sex isn't so easy...but I've managed....Wink wink.
I ended up getting an MRI and going to see and Orthopedic Surgeon who sat me down to tell me what was going on. He said "Nathan, you are not going to be able to run again. Ever. I take that back, if you want to ruin your back more, you can...my orders would be to stop running for good."
I have advanced chronic degenerative disc disease at the L5-S1 level with mild chronic disc protrusion and neural canal stenosis. Essentially the doctor thought that at some point in my life I'd had some kind of trauma in my lower back, to which has degenerated the disc. Running makes it worse, and I am not allowed to run again according to him. The starting point is physical therapy...it's not really doing much. I refuse to take pain medication, not something my family history would recommend.
I think about that line from the movie. This is about the only thing in my life that I actually enjoy.
I"ve struggled with what is going on in my lower back and the outcome of it. I have to tell you, it's not been easy. Running was a way of living for me. A way of surviving actually.
Summer 2013 was by far the lowest point of my life. I thought I'd hit a place of pain that I'd never surpass in the year prior to that, but boy o boy did I not know what was in store for me.
I evaporated last summer. More pitch black than I'd ever thought possible. Nothing I did could ease the heaviness in my heart and I soul. Beaches made it worse, my bed made it worse.......the god damn shower made it worse. The world went on around me and I felt paralyzed. In early August though, something shifted. I started to come up with a plan to keep on living.
I decided that I had to run. It started with one foot in front of the other. I'd not gone to the gym for a long time, I'd not eaten much all summer...so I was really thin. But I decided to run. Just one. Small. Run. I still couldn't listen to music because it felt like every lyric was out to make me remember something, or remind me, of stupid shit. So it was just me and the pavement. My short runs soon turned to longer ones and although life was still grey, I felt better. I ran and ran. Then, I tried listening to music again while on a run. "We Can't Stop" played and I found myself in tears. Tears of happiness because I was feeling something beside pain. I felt.....alive. That song was pumping hard, I was running fast and far.......and I started to say "Fuck you" to all that was kicking my soul.
Fuck You.
Then decided to sign up for the NYC Marathon. A crazy idea, starting to train so late in the game, but I did it. I signed up and took up raising money for Cancer. Transformative.
I kicked ass in the marathon. Really. Kicked ass. An even bigger FUCK YOU. I got tons of support and love. So much of that stuff that it made my heart hurt to think about how selfish it was to be so low in the months prior. I know I had to feel all the things I felt, I know that.....but running....it saved my life. I can honestly say that. In the least dramatic way possible, it really did save my life.
While it's not the only thing I enjoy, it makes me incredibly nervous to be without it. I'm not sure still what is in the cards with my back....but I feel lost without being able to smell the trees blooming up on Kelly Drive right now. To not be with all the other people breathing their footsteps as they pace thru the days emotions. I am nervous without it.
All year long I said I was going to do the Marathon again this year. For cancer. For me. For the love of running. The first time running it....feels surreal. I can't describe it any other way. I wanted to run it this year, and observe myself running it...if that makes sense.
I can't though. I'm not stuck about it. But I'm not happy. I'm also not accepting the words spoken to me just yet. We'll see.
Until then. I absolutely have a Bib to run the Broad Street Run....it's up for grabs kids.