I did some thinking..and I wanted to share something with you.
A few somethings actually.
The Diner
In June I spent the weekend in the Catskills. Callicoon, NY to be precise.
It was a rainy, cold weekend.
It didn't matter though, I was with great company and had a remarkable time.
The drive there was beautiful because I took back roads through woods and mountains. Extreme tranquility and Nately communion with all that which was around me.
About 25 minutes away from Callicoon, a guy whom I'd met previously (there wasn't really a love connection per say, however....they may or may not have been a booty connection) was spending the summer. We connected quite randomly that Friday and agreed I would drive to his camp Saturday afternoon. I did just that, driving my Mini Cooper and listening to the new Lana Del Rey release (money, power, glory - that track is fucking amazing) and letting the wind blow my hair all over the place. It was transcendent in it's power for me, as a solo entity. It's really what being alone and single is about for me right now, that drive....that wind........that freedom.
In any event, after I "saw" his place we drove into a sleepy little town nearby and ate at a diner.
The diner was carved into the side of a mountain and our table was glued to the wall....but had been used so much that it was pulling out of the wall. The waitress was a woman with a full on moustache and her daughter sat next to the register pretend playing "cashier".
I scarfed down a meatloaf sandwich of epic portions and we smiled at the fun we had had, and were having. As we left, I stopped to snap a picture of the mountain side. It's the picture in this post. "something wicked this way comes "came to mind. It was dark and clouds were forming. Slow and rolling. Ominous and beautiful.
I dropped him off, a kiss on the lips and drove away to my solitude of sound and wind.
I hold that day in a special place.
Good, special and meaning-filled things do happen to me.
I often forget to look at those things in the middle of dealing with the underbelly of douchey dudes.
Lasagne.
About two years ago (in between the "I love you, I love you not" man) I met a guy on OK CUPID who lived in Brooklyn. We had a fun afternoon getting coffee and getting to know one another. He really made me smile.....in a carefree, creative and simplistic way. I think I did that for him too on some level.
As is with lots of NYC boys, life in that world is somewhat momentary, in that the "moment" is where they live....and if you are not in the moment, well......you fall away to the dust and glitter of the land of potential would-be's.
I used to be angry about this, or expect someone to be special or different in this regard. I no longer care, I accept it for what it is. I expect very little from them - and crave them at the exact same time. The burden of complexities, eh ?
So it was with him. He slipped away, in his moment. Which seemed to be lovely and nice and rich of color.
This past Spring, on a rainy and cold weekend, he contacted me rather randomly. He was in Philly and asked me to go to some museums with him.
So spontaneous.
I think we both exploded with spontaneity :) And smiles.
Movvvving on, he ended up getting his bags from where he was staying and spending the weekend with me.
We went to see some art, the movies and cuddled close and played house.
At some point in our time together I got a little mixed up in my brainless emotional being. I think an invisible wall began to form around me because I just didn't want to get hurt, so there was that.
Yet even with that slight barrier, I felt a great deal of calm with him and our secret weekend together. We ended up going to a big Italian dinner on Sunday night, which he treated (god i love that) and I then dropped him off to go back to his momentary NYC life.
There was an episode of "Girls" last year where Hanna and a guest character played by Patrick Wilson spent a weekend naked in his house....very unexpectedly. The episode was only the two of them.
My secret weekend with this guy reminded me of that episode of "Girls" It was quiet and so very special in it's manner of unplanned existence. I almost wonder if it actually happened. He's gone and we barely communicate. It's so very interesting, if only because I don't operate that way.
And he holds a special place in my being. I don't know why, he just does. He didn't let me get away with saying certain types of things, so I believe that to be part of what makes him special to me, but also because of his way of living. We aren't boyfriend material, but we're enough. For spontaneous.
I like telling you these stories, mostly because they remind me of what sorts of special things happen to me. I've spent a lot of time this last week focusing on being more realistic about dating. I've been living in this fictitious world for weeks now, where I feel like I'm this outsider with men. When I sit and actually write out the facts of my dating life....I realize I'm being fucking crazy. In almost every single way I'm a virtual dating Tasmanian Devil. My list....is obscene.
And boys, they like me. In some alternate world, because I haven't married one of them yet, I've convinced myself that none of these things, as I've told you above, have happened. The truth is they happen constantly, and I need to wake the fuck up.
I also need to not let the nutty stories (***see my last post) take away from the more tender stories I'm collecting.
Anyway, thank you for helping me readers. The last couple posts I've gotten so many words of appreciation and encouragement, often only several moments after posting. You all know it's risky to post things that I do on here, and not everyone agrees that it's an appropriate thing....specifically if I'm talkin bout you boo......but I believe in deeper connections in this world, and this is my small way to contribute to that chasm.
Thank you. Thank you.
And.
lastly.
Thank you.
Nately Nate Nathan