I knew going into the movie that I was going to end up a puddle by the end of it. I'd read the book and knew what to expect. But Jesus, last night, the last five minutes of "The Fault in Our Stars" nailed me to the floor with emotion. Most of the movie found me thinking about love and it's pull......and my journey.
****Stay with me on this ride, it might get a little bumpy for a minute :)
In the last two weeks you might say I've relapsed. I mean, I haven't done anything to directly relapse, it's just been a few things adding up that have created a rather large feeling of discord in my pretty little soul. Emotional relapse into a place where I'm feeling things in a sometimes more acute manner.
Translation: I'm easily moved to tears, doubts, partnered to fear of the unknown.
This past weekend, the 4th of July weekend - to be exact, on Saturday, I was rocked to the ground with something that happened. I'm not spilling the beans on what exactly happened, I'm not ready for that yet, but I can tell you I was so hurt and shocked by the actions of another that I felt like I wanted to shrivel up and cry in a ball...in a very public place.
A friend metaphorically "helped me up" by telling me to BREATHE and go have fun. Suddenly my survival instincts came together and took action.
"I'll be god damned if I'm gonna sink because of this"
and I didn't. The opposite. I rose all the way up darling.
I literally ended up flying a kite with beautiful souls, kissing one for an hour or so, and breathing just fine.
There was a moment while I was flying that kite (one of those fancy ones that takes a bit of tutorial to get flying) in which I felt all the weight of what happened that day take leave of my heart and soul. A moment when I said to myself "Nate...you are a fighter. You need to be more careful, yes. But you aren't going to sink. Let it go."
In that moment, I did let it go.
I can tell you those 24 hours were surreal in ways I can't describe.....the very definition of surreal. I busied myself with healing on Sunday and felt like I was in good company to do so....Thank You JP. I struggled with moments of tranquility, and moments of profound questioning.
I got bruised this weekend.
#truth
And I'm heeding the warnings of the events.
- Simplify.
- Be careful with your hopes and dreams.
- There are no guarantees.
- There has to be an easier way, and that way is within me..not outside of me.
and lastly. To tie it together.
The Fault in Our Stars.
"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices, I hope she likes hers."
It occurred to me for much of my day today..........I need to be more careful in who I allow to hurt me. Who I am vulnerable with. I'd like to think I've become 1,000 times more intelligent over the last couple of years. I've learned some deep life lessons, and I know I will learn a gazillion more in my travel thru this world.
This Saturday I put my trust in someone, something, that wasn't what it seemed. In the past 6 months I've been very discriminate with doing this. Mostly not putting trust in someone, unless you impressed me.
And I guess that's why this came as such a shock to mah system. I was impressed. I was given something that I felt like I could believe in. Perhaps a bit naive....but something I'd given a lot of thought about.
SPLAT.
And then, I think about those that I've allowed to hurt me. Those choice people.
We all get hurt, I'm not special.
We all get hurt.
And by people we love.
People we adore.
Humans I would do almost anything for.
These same entities that hurt us.......we hurt them too.
At the end of the day, it's about whether or not we chose the right people for those roles.
It's about whether that person loves you enough to accept the hurt we inflict on another....and is emotionally smart enough to know it's part of love.
Have I chosen wisely in my past? I can't say today if I have or haven't. I'm not sure if I'll ever know.
I can say...it'll be something I think a lot about for the next character in that spot. I can say that, with lots of certainty.
forever,
Augustus Waters.
aka....Nately