Part One
I walk on the sunny side of the street at all times.
I drink out of a special red coffee mug, because I believe it has special powers to make me feel happy and balanced throughout my day.
I believe that just the right amount of fragrance will make me have a better day.
I also invest a lot of time into making sure my physical appearance is pretty likable, if only because it allows me to hold my head up a little bit and know that someone out there appreciates me.
I make my bed every day, because I think karmic-ally it produces this clean, fresh, crisp and magical start to a day.
On some days, when my libido is on fire, I wear a jockstrap under my work clothes, to stay....internally hot.
These are just some of the things that Nathan does to try to keep his shit........together.
These last years have shaped and formed me into a being I can be variably proud of.
The Ones Who Matter, those who have held and caressed me, shine bright. And yes kiddo, just like a diamond (sparkle***). And I haven't held back in notifying them of the power and the luminescence they hold. My friendships are ON FIRE.
Some other people, whose lives are running it's course with some kind of predictability and general happiness, don't understand, and I daresay, can't really empathize with what life has felt like. And should they ? No. They shouldn't.
This is my story and my story alone. And by the way, I am so proud of it. My Story.
I'm not complaining, nor am I begrudging what is rightfully theirs. I celebrate it with them, I love Their Perfect with them. I cry in the happy times and I cry in the sad times, sitting right next to them. I love them unconditionally, and love that they are getting everything that hope for. I am eternally grateful to see life and light all around me.
Resentment is the poison I drink, in the hopes that you will die.
I know I have to let go of That Poison Dart I hold aimed at Kevin's forehead. That Anger, It isn't the great ass fucking I took from all the money he siphoned out of me and I lost that makes me enraged. In an amazing capacity for forgiveness, I've let that go to the waves, back to the Ocean of Regret and Mistaken Choices.
It isn't anything.......
But Franklin. Our dog. The dog I paid a portion for. The dog I raised. The dog I have dreams about and wake up almost in tears over. I'm not allowed to see Franklin any longer.
In some grand last demonstration in Kevin's ultimate control over me, he refuses to allow me access.
He once did, but after I said something that Kevin didn't like - he used Franklin as a pawn to say FUCK YOU NATE.
The next right answer would be for me to get my own dog, but I'm not allowed to where I live. Where I have lived for the past 4 years....in a house I have made my own, a house that I love. I can, however, have dog visitors, which is why having my dog visit once in a while worked out wonderfully. It files a void, it makes me feel balance. And to be truthful, Franklin knows who I am.....he loves being with me.
But, Kevin wins I suppose.
He always will, that one.
Kevin always wins.
With Michael, the One Who Took No Prisoners.......I don't know what anger I hold onto still. Not much.
I'm angry that he wasn't mature enough. I'm angry that he is borderline narcissistic (pretty much meets all the criteria, FYI).
I'm angry that I fell head over heels in love with someone for the first time in my life and we couldn't keep it together.
Because I think he felt the same way I did. In a "Romeo and Juliet" kind of love......with the wrong person.
The profound part of all of him though is that I learned a valuable lesson.
Nathan can't work in a relationship where he doesn't feel safe. When my loved one is texting other guys naked pictures, flirting endlessly with others and is naked in any public venue that it's deemed appropriate, I don't work well.
My guy, my real guy, won't do that shit...at least not in the first years of our love. He did, because I wasn't the one for him.....I get that now.
And I reacted. I reacted on a spectrum of anger, that was.....not as calm as I'd have liked. (womp womp)
But that was my fault. I should have known he was not capable of maintenance of a relationship. Not just yet.
I'm guessing he will get there some day.
But the two of us, in that moment of our lives.....just didn't work.
He has some growing up to do, and I need to know when to walk away, for my own good.
For if I don't, I become this version of myself that ain't too cool and will most definitely let you know i'm pretty un-fucking happy.
Hopefully he's moving on and falling in love. Or not. Don't know, and I am proud to say, I don't care as I used to.
Someone once told me that often times in life, we don't end up with the one true love of our life. I'm not saying that is Michael, but I"m not saying it isn't either.
All in all. I have to let it go. The Pain. The Tiny Shards of Anger that cut me. The last bits that remain. Have to go. Because, now is my time. I'm the best version of myself..........
xoxoxooxoxoxo
to be continued
Stay tuned for Part 2. Part 1 was about the past. Part 2......not so much
I walk on the sunny side of the street at all times.
I drink out of a special red coffee mug, because I believe it has special powers to make me feel happy and balanced throughout my day.
I believe that just the right amount of fragrance will make me have a better day.
I also invest a lot of time into making sure my physical appearance is pretty likable, if only because it allows me to hold my head up a little bit and know that someone out there appreciates me.
I make my bed every day, because I think karmic-ally it produces this clean, fresh, crisp and magical start to a day.
On some days, when my libido is on fire, I wear a jockstrap under my work clothes, to stay....internally hot.
These are just some of the things that Nathan does to try to keep his shit........together.
These last years have shaped and formed me into a being I can be variably proud of.
The Ones Who Matter, those who have held and caressed me, shine bright. And yes kiddo, just like a diamond (sparkle***). And I haven't held back in notifying them of the power and the luminescence they hold. My friendships are ON FIRE.
Some other people, whose lives are running it's course with some kind of predictability and general happiness, don't understand, and I daresay, can't really empathize with what life has felt like. And should they ? No. They shouldn't.
This is my story and my story alone. And by the way, I am so proud of it. My Story.
I'm not complaining, nor am I begrudging what is rightfully theirs. I celebrate it with them, I love Their Perfect with them. I cry in the happy times and I cry in the sad times, sitting right next to them. I love them unconditionally, and love that they are getting everything that hope for. I am eternally grateful to see life and light all around me.
Resentment is the poison I drink, in the hopes that you will die.
I know I have to let go of That Poison Dart I hold aimed at Kevin's forehead. That Anger, It isn't the great ass fucking I took from all the money he siphoned out of me and I lost that makes me enraged. In an amazing capacity for forgiveness, I've let that go to the waves, back to the Ocean of Regret and Mistaken Choices.
It isn't anything.......
But Franklin. Our dog. The dog I paid a portion for. The dog I raised. The dog I have dreams about and wake up almost in tears over. I'm not allowed to see Franklin any longer. In some grand last demonstration in Kevin's ultimate control over me, he refuses to allow me access.
He once did, but after I said something that Kevin didn't like - he used Franklin as a pawn to say FUCK YOU NATE.
The next right answer would be for me to get my own dog, but I'm not allowed to where I live. Where I have lived for the past 4 years....in a house I have made my own, a house that I love. I can, however, have dog visitors, which is why having my dog visit once in a while worked out wonderfully. It files a void, it makes me feel balance. And to be truthful, Franklin knows who I am.....he loves being with me.
But, Kevin wins I suppose.
He always will, that one.
Kevin always wins.
With Michael, the One Who Took No Prisoners.......I don't know what anger I hold onto still. Not much.
I'm angry that he wasn't mature enough. I'm angry that he is borderline narcissistic (pretty much meets all the criteria, FYI).
I'm angry that I fell head over heels in love with someone for the first time in my life and we couldn't keep it together.
Because I think he felt the same way I did. In a "Romeo and Juliet" kind of love......with the wrong person.
The profound part of all of him though is that I learned a valuable lesson.
Nathan can't work in a relationship where he doesn't feel safe. When my loved one is texting other guys naked pictures, flirting endlessly with others and is naked in any public venue that it's deemed appropriate, I don't work well.
My guy, my real guy, won't do that shit...at least not in the first years of our love. He did, because I wasn't the one for him.....I get that now.
And I reacted. I reacted on a spectrum of anger, that was.....not as calm as I'd have liked. (womp womp)
But that was my fault. I should have known he was not capable of maintenance of a relationship. Not just yet.
I'm guessing he will get there some day.
But the two of us, in that moment of our lives.....just didn't work.
He has some growing up to do, and I need to know when to walk away, for my own good.
For if I don't, I become this version of myself that ain't too cool and will most definitely let you know i'm pretty un-fucking happy.
Hopefully he's moving on and falling in love. Or not. Don't know, and I am proud to say, I don't care as I used to.
Someone once told me that often times in life, we don't end up with the one true love of our life. I'm not saying that is Michael, but I"m not saying it isn't either.
All in all. I have to let it go. The Pain. The Tiny Shards of Anger that cut me. The last bits that remain. Have to go. Because, now is my time. I'm the best version of myself..........
xoxoxooxoxoxo
to be continued
Stay tuned for Part 2. Part 1 was about the past. Part 2......not so much
x