Part 2
Here’s the thing. Despite looking so very young (****clears throat with seriousness and then breaks into hysterics) I am not.
The problem is….in my head, it’s fucking Valentine’s Day every single day. Seriously. Hearts float out of my mouth when I go to brush my teeth in the morning. Little “I Love You’s” are the liner in any shirt I wear. I’m such a die hard romantic that my piss is pink and I sing Get Me To The Church On Time while I’m doing chest presses at the gym.
In most every scenario I’ve played in my head lately, I see myself laying on my couch or bed cuddled up to someone I’m falling in love with.
Love.
It’s playing in loop after loop in my cranium. It doesn't take shape in sadness, like it once did. It takes the shape of hope and happiness. I get butterflies at times, thinking about what is ahead of me. The last three months I”ve realized I’m ready to open the door in a much more comprehensive way than I was before.
So I've been basking in my longing for love. Because I wasn't sure I'd get here. I just wasn't sure........
Then, without fail, while I’m basking barefoot in my house, I step on a shard. A shard of anger from my past. It pierces the skin and stings/gets infected/HURTS. And I get all twisted up. I get all bent out of shape in the unfairness of it all (VICTIM). How could he have done that? Will my next guy do that? What will happen if I get hurt again? Should I go drink 2 bottles of wine to figure it out?
You’ve got to let it go. You’ve got to let it go. You’ve got to let it go.
I know I do. I know I do in order to be in that trippy space where I put out the pheromones for availability to the would-be boyfriend...... lingering around that next twist of fate.
So I move on, and let it go, but then....as I"m getting out my psychology-sterilized tweezers and working on extracting that sliver of ANGER, along comes a bad whooping case of The Frustration.
Definition of The Frustration.
The feeling you have when you are putting yourself out there in every way possible for a potential love connection and you think you've found something, found something REALLY good and hopeful.....and it falls out beneath your feet due to the many variables you just can't control.
Case studies to illustrate The Frustration in real life.
- The One Who's Sex Was Literally On Fire: I know it may sound ridiculous to base a love connection on sex. And i'm not with this one, but it is the first thing I think about. He is young, true. But LE SEX. On Fire. I won't be as graphic to detail why...... I can't with that memory...too intense. Anyway, we fit together intensely in other ways than physical. He got me, I got him. We had similar style choices and were able to communicate in our texts as though he were sitting right next to me. We laughed a lot and had so much fun. He blindly had come to Philadelphia to meet and stay with me, we walked around Philadelphia holding hands and kissing all over the streets. #melted. In the end, The Frustration settled in because he wants someone who lives in the same city as he. We think of each other often, and are frustrated that he can't make that work. I emailed him last week and asked him to stop communicating with me because it just kinda hurts. The Frustration.
- The One Who Fell Asleep Couch Cuddled On My Chest: We met sometime ago in Rittenhouse Square to see if we felt like we might connect. We spent the evening well into darkness on the benches, just talking. He was leaving for Asia for 14 days not soon after that night, so we didn't concern ourselves with setting up another date. I didn't hear from him until months after. When I did, it was a surprise visit and we spent the whole day in my room. Laughing, dancing naked, listening to our favorite songs, drinking champagne. He travels, so after that it was a few weeks before I heard from him again. I opened the door and he smiled so big and the hug and kiss he gave me was so beautiful. We spent the night watching How To Train Your Dragon 2. He fell asleep laying spooned in front of me with his body twisted on mine, head on my chest. The feeling. Oh man. He's a man of convenience and not one that is ready for being attached, I can see the pained expression in his face when he begins to feel in touch with me in an intimate way. The struggle is real with this one. And I respect that. The connection is there. He ultimately isn't though. We are tossing around a travel holiday together. Bittersweet, but sweet. The Frustration.
- The One Who's Intellectual Property Far Outweighs Everything: This one is short and sweet. He's brilliant, to the point of being handicapped by it. Yet, we absolutely started to fall for one another. I made one sideways step though, and detached for 24 hours to get my footing. That action was too risky for him, despite then committing to seeing it all thru, to working on things - ghosts - we were each dealing with. We made an agreement that he would contact me when he got through "being off the rails". Ultimately, too complicated and total drop off of communication....but The Frustration settles in.
I feel enriched by each and every one of these men. To the degree of growth they allow me...i am grateful. It's the cross section of
My Past Shards of Anger + The Present Complexities of The Frustration = Confusion and Clarity.
Part 3: Confusion and Clarity....coming at you soon.
Muchly.
NSR.
My Past Shards of Anger + The Present Complexities of The Frustration = Confusion and Clarity.
Part 3: Confusion and Clarity....coming at you soon.
Muchly.
NSR.