yo ------
you a little bitch. straight up.
you never cease to amaze me.
chameleon and stealth, you change without a second's warning and then offer no real apology for switching it up.
i can't with you. i just can't.
when i'm all, I Got This Under Control Now.............you get all....... I Think I"ll Change The Direction Of The Compass.
It just isn't fair, madame fate.
you'd think with all your Hard Lessons, you'd be better at being a smidgen more kind to those of us In Need.
i suppose without all That Extra Stuff That Happened Lately, i would be in a more accepting place of your silly antics and the way you just take certain things away, even though they are good.
i've got all the time in the world, it's true. no rush for this, no rush For That. still, you alarm me. what with the summer being a time of meeting those whom might be in the spot, The Spot. the one that hasn't been filled for a fair time.
i met a few who seemed to be what i was looking for. then i narrowed it down to one.
and i thought i'd learned my lessons well. i thought that he was what it was to be cared for, and to be handled with something close to intimate understanding unparalleled.
wait. i falter. the truth is, he WAS all those things. not for one second did he make me feel bad things, that That One did previously. he never faltered in his affection and nurture of my crusty/rusty/musty ole heart. he was everything i needed. and he showed me so many things in such a short time.
he stayed the course and played the right part. the lead role, and was a true Leading Man.
something wasn't right though. so much was right, that wasn't right with that Other One or Him. yet, something wasn't right.
but how can you leave behind something that is right, in so many ways. but was missing just one other Thing.
it ended on a Facetime call. we talked for a long time and it was clear we have heart for one another. but what happened was someThings were missing, and i'd begun to sabotage it. i pulled away, but not in formal ways. well, i was clear about my feelings of caution.
i haven't mastered the art of walking away. i thought i would hurt him too much, that Leading Man, because of how strong his affections were for me. and the truth is, parts of me felt as though it would all pull together. parts of me needed time.
even though on a saturday i felt an absence in him, sunday i would feel all of him in me. sure it wasn't All The Way there, but i told myself with time and pacing of the glaciers, my affections would clock in as full time.
even i know though, you can't have Nothing on a Saturday and All on a Sunday. that's not fair.
that Leading Man, he knew. and he was acting on it. he did not want glacier. he wanted me, but now. and intensely.
he made flight plans to go back to Australia for December and January to be with his family. i knew what that meant.
and so did he.
so we talked with care and something close to intimacy; that sad sound that voices make when they are relaying something unfun. as we talked my skin felt warm and my eyes burned.
this trick of heart.....when his friends would call me his boyfriend i would balk, and yet i was shaking in my heart as we began to say our goodbyes. why so confusing madame?
madame fate.
i know that i'm not always going to make the path you want me to, and i will push in directions that are not in on my stage. but this one. this Leading Man. he treated me like a king. so pardon me for being confused about it all.
in the days after, i've understood that if i could create a recipe, i'd add major parts of my Leading Man, little parts of That One, and none of Him.
i've learned that passion and connection come in ways other than lust and skin. they come in being treated well and with unconditional arms to hold you. something i always dreamed of. as it turns out, that's not all i need.
but i've learned. i've felt butterflies with him.
i've learned that making memories with Someone Else is fabulous.
i've also learned that when that comes to an end....it leaves an ache and emptiness.
i've learned.
i don't want all the answers.
but
i want that perfect day in central park when we were laying in the grass, smiling at our possibilities and ignoring the fragments of where it might go wrong. my Leading Man was nice. he was special. i love that i have those pieces in my heart still. his role may be in another capacity. i guess you'll figure that out for me too.
madame fate, i know you aren't purposefully being a bitch. but if you could......just a little more patience with me. i'm getting it right, slowly. and this one, the Leading Man, he was a good character to give me. he was kind. he was vulnerable and emotionally available.
and so, i guess i have to thank you and stop calling you a bitch.
for all you gave me.
thank you.
hope to hear from you soon.
Nately Nate. Neight. Nathan.