Indian Buffet.
It's also known, in some circles, as the "play yourself buffet".
Some of you may be too proud to eat from public buffets. Nathan S Ridgley, is not one of those people. And the Indian Buffet, New Delhi in West Philadelphia, is a darling buffet.
Kevin and I used to go on Sundays. We tried to spread it out, so that we wouldn't become the tall, fat couple. The reason it came to be known as the "play yourself buffet" is because when you get there....you think, "oh. I can definitely limit how much I eat. Only two plates, and only a few scoops of the chicken korma on each plate"
Something happens though, and within a half hour it's impossible to make any facial expressions. The bloat reaches up to your cheeks and you need to use the little bit of oxygen you have left in your body to stay awake long enough to drive home. You end up, as fate would have it, playing yourself...playa.
No control. None. Just. One. More. Piece. Of. Naan.
Fistful over fistful of jasmine rice, three samosa's all lined up.....tandorri chicken........
BAM. Can't breathe, can't get too far from a bathroom, and you certainly..... most definitely can't imagine going back to that hell hole again.
Until the following Sunday, that is.
So it is.
I went to a very special "play yourself buffet" the last week or so. Yup. Bib and all.
Man o Man, did I overeat !!!!
Like a professional. I saddled up and piled it on high.
And played my damn self.
I knew better, and I shuffled up to the counter like a big girl and helped myself to some good fucking stuff, man. Damn was it good. Then.....WHOMP - BAM - POW.
Ownership. Only myself to blame.
It's pretty confusing, but yeah....my ass got hurt good this week. In very convoluted ways, I got served.
The thing you need to know though, is I was knowledgable this might happen, I was told....I'm not ready.
However a sleepless night Tuesday with tears in my eyes that hadn't been there for a while, mixed with a pain in my heart.....yuckykins.
But who am I? What the fuck do I know? LOL. Learning more and more. Everyday.
And wish I didn't have this yucky feeling, about myself. And about it.
As hard as it was, I made a good decision for myself because all i know is how I want to feel. I was not feeling that way this week. Something was hurting me and I made a decision. Choosing to get away from the pain. I would not have done in the past. I feel proud of my decision.
In truth though, I'm still hurting.
Stings.
Further testimony that when it comes to a lot of stuff in life, I am simply a student, learning about my deficits and etching a new pathway.
Further testimony that I am a sensitive guy, who will always feel things in his heart. No matter how hard I try to shut it out. A part of me I am trying to tame. Not easy.
Further testimony that it's important to know, things are just not always what they seem. Even the things that are within your own self.
Further testimony that I will always have a strong conscience and it's unfair of me to think other people have one that matches mine. I find this to be true not only in my love relationships, but in other relationships as well. Something people always say of me is that I am so kind and loving. It's true, I will avoid hurting people or making them feel bad, at my own expense. I will never try to get rid of this, but I have to realistic that my conscience is special and unique. Once I figure this out, I'll feel much less disappointed in those I love, and the human race in general. (this sounds snooty....not meant to be. I genuinely recognize that my expectations of others is, at times, unrealistic)
As I've said before, I finally understand that I don't know everything. I know how I FEEL lots of times, but I don't have ALL the answers.
(a strikingly obvious yet HUGE thing came out of therapy this week. it boils down to one, shocking sentence..."Nathan, he may have not had any relationship experience. But you have not had any HEALTHY relationship experience"
BAM. BAM. BAM. I know that being in a 10 year relationship gives you a certain amount of knowledge about relationships....but BAM. That sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought of that. Something to consider for my future endeavors.)
It took me a long time to get here, but I'm here. Here isn't a place of "I figured it out" ......It's a place of humility paired with a knowledge of what is right and what is wrong, for both myself and for others. Open to knowing more. Open to hurting less. Open to someone who knows how to walk with me on that journey. Together, yet separate.
I'm also learning that my intensity can be intimidating....I'm not sure how to reign that in, but I'm working on it. And by intensity I am talking more about my speed....my pace, my passionate reactivity.
I move fast, and come to conclusions WAY too mindlessly. That has to stop. It has to. Knowing is half the battle, and I am starting to know a lot, and trust.....it's turning into change.
Again, so very happy to be here.
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That said, I rearranged my office today. I called an old friend. Tonight, I went to a Tabata class at my gym (planking is evil. pure evil) and then raced to a Hatha Yoga class as well. I am working my ass off to get rid of this hurt/anger/pain/need to find an answer. I'll push through it. I will. I promise.
I have a super awesome and fun weekend ahead of me including, but not limited to, Ellie Goulding (I CANNOT WAIT) NYC, and ending the weekend back in Philly with Franklin up in the house for a week (I am also bringing him to work on Monday...can't wait). Very excited for all of it. After this hurricane of a week, I look forward to making the best with what I got this weekend !!!!!!
And....you know what ? I want to dance. I wanna dance my face off. I wanna dance with anyone and everyone. I wanna scream the words to songs and thump to the deepest club beats there are. That would be fun. Won't happen this weekend, but.......I just wanna fucking dance, I wanna shut down the club with youuuuuuu.......so dj, play my motha fucking song !!!!
and most of all. The only person I am going to be playing is ...............(picking what's playing on my iphone right now) Bruno Mars - Gorilla.
Alive and Kicking
Nathan S.R.
