as I held the door for everyone to walk out, and I exited the building we would soon call home, the front door slammed shut with so much force it felt as though the ground shook beneath me. the slamming of that door triggered something in me and in that exact moment, i unraveled. i had literally...Come Undone.
I remained that way for almost a full week, not being able to sleep, not eating much.....until this past weekend. when we did what we do best, and spent some alone, time together being nathan + andrea. it put me back on track (The Right One) and in the right space to prepare for the move to nyc in two weeks. a move i've been waiting almost two decades for.
we had signed the lease and gone back to the apartment to inspect it again, wanting to take measurements once more....because measurements in a NYC apartment are #crucial and as you will soon see we've been Obsessive about planning and making it PERFECT (said in all the gayness you can imagine). after two months of looking sporadically at apartments, we sorta came to land on this one because it was the best of the lot we'd been to and we were sick of feeling defeated and brow beaten by ridiculous apartments and their eccentricities. we also chose this one because of it's location to Penn Station. the walk to NYP is a quick one, we've got Everything We Can Imagine within four blocks..........and so our little nest began to take form.
the nest is on the first floor of a five story building that allows pets (we can't stop looking for a pup....obsessing over finding a beast to love). the bedroom fits a queen bed (believe it or not, this is not true of many apartments we saw) and we've got two closets (my biggest fear...where will we put all our damn clothes). we are on the first floor, right next to the main entrance to the building, apartment A in fact. and this is where i have to bring you back to having come undone when that front door slammed shut.
the force of it jarred me, and i realized something.......... that very startling slambam was going to be something i will hear endlessly from the confines of our little nest over the next 365 days. i realized i will go from living in a three story house to a mini one bedroom without a washing machine. i realized i would hear cars and hookers All Through The Night from my street level bedroom. i realized that my life...........................was changing. In Big Fucking Ways. and i lost my shit. for a full week. the fear took over and my cognitive functioning was hijacked by Catastrophic Thinking. not fun - but now i see, it's all part of the process. it's all natural and normal. just took me a week to pull myself together and realize the best thing of all.
This Is What I Came For.
true, it's a small place but we spent this past weekend finalizing all the details of our interior design, and i gotta tell you, i cannot, CANNOT, wait. it's going to be fantastic. and even more fantastic is the team that Andrea and i make. sure, we had a few meltdowns in some stores buying stuff, but overall.....we deserve an A. unlike my last venture in living with my partner, this one is easy. and full of funny times and thoughts........and hand holding. i have to think it's because i've grown into a man i can be proud of, but i have to tell you.....my man is good. he is......all i could ask for.
all the same, focusing that potential, and harnessing the fear/anxiety/worry, has been a huge task for me. leaving the spacious-happy home I have here in Philadelphia is taking a great deal of emotional energy and even more than that.....unloading of useless belongings. I tend to live somewhat clutter free.....after I departed my last co-habitation relationship I learned to live minimally, mostly because i realized that for me, having a lot of stuff (junk) didn't help me feel the way I wanted to feel. i began to understand i can have nice things, but i don't need excessive amounts of those things (except products, give me all the facial moisturizer and lotions you can throw at me). all the same, i had accumulated more than i like, and going through the emotional memory of the last 6 years has been a fucking roller coaster of a ride.
the next few weeks are going to take a lot of work. physical and emotional. but i'm ready for You. bring it and your obstacles, Mr. Relocation Bitchface. I got this and you.
to be continued.....................................................