This is the first time in my life that I've been off work for more than a week. In this moment I am going on week 4 of my Medical Leave from work. Initially I'd thought I would be able to return to work in a few weeks, however, recovery from my Fusion is much more complicated. **hmmmmm, isn't it always more complicated than we initially thought ?
The surgery site is healing, and my back is feeling better day by day, but my legs and feet are not. I had not anticipated the lower part of my body to be as impacted as it has been. I can't be on my feet for too long - if i am, the nerve pain takes over and I just can't move. It's as though my battery is running out and I slowly begin to shut down. One step into the next takes longer and longer with each stride, draining the battery. Until....I'm near delirious with the struggle and things just.........stop working.
Anyway, this post.......It's about NYC. The BIG APPLE. The City that Won't Sleep.
Having so much time to myself, without structure of a schedule and work pressure, I've found clarity. A little pill that makes things more transparent than before. I've found things that were hidden by the plain eye, discovery in this Time of Healing.
It's been almost 6 months here. And I now understand why people have always said that you have to Live Here for at least two years before you Feel Comfortable. Only 6 months here, and I am just beginning to realize that I ACTUALLY LIVE IN MANHATTAN. It's true and I am only NOW thawing to these truths. For some reason, that I can't identify explicitly, the first 6 months have been like I've been underwater....holding my breath, waiting to come up until it's safe.
If I were to make a hypothesis, I would guess I've been in self-preservation mode. Moving here was A Full TIlt Gamble. Moving in with Andrea. Moving to this place which has held my Longing.......... for SO Very LONG. Leaving my 17 year relationship with Philadelphia. Saying goodbye to my Urban Family, my support systems, turning the page on........My People. I would guess I had to go numb for a bit to be able to process my new life. And here I am. Wide Awake and trying to walk again. And I need to get it out. I need to work it out. To figure out, What End is Up.
Andrea and I are stronger than ever. I can put it out there, in this space, that I am truly in love with him, and he with me. It's a working, breathing entity.....our relationship. And we have more good than bad, and that is something I've never experienced. It's always been the converse, it's always been......such Hard Work. We., Andrea and I....work. Period. We are HaPpy. And we are so close, but.....there is something missing. And that is what this post is about.
My Philadelphia family is rich. It's all I could dream of. And I miss them lots, but I see them lots too. And in this time of healing, they have been HUGE. You see. That group, we all grew. We all moved into our new chapters recently. Two of us moved away (the other giving birth to a Precious Baby Girl), and another grouping had a third baby in under five years.........so we've evolved. And others travel the globe and keep moving towards happiness. It's good. And This Is Us. and it's Very Good.
But my Urban Family is important to me. It defines me. And in this new Urbanity, there is a gap.
I moved to NYC with a solid friend base, but in the end, it may have only been a solid base of acquaintances. I had expected more from my NYC people, but most just haven't showed up. A few have, and for that I am grateful, but I tried hard to connect with a few, and ........... no show. I ain't mad, but it has left a void in my life.
I have learned in the past that building your life solely on a relationship can prove deadly. I have also learned that I yearn to part of something, to belong to a friend group Where I Give, And I Get. We've got a few people we have begun to make some meaningful friendships with, but it isn't where I need it to be. And acquiring this presents with some barriers.
We aren't single guys going out to bars....making friends with that Life is EASY. That isn't us. We aren't barflies and we aren't single. (We do like going out, with friends). So here we are. How do we address this, how do we create what we want.
I know we can. I know we will. So we are in the process of activating our creative minds and laying pavement to find our tribe here. It isn't everything, but I feel like we have a lot of good right now, and we have to figure this out. I also know it will take time. At the end of the day, I guess all I am saying is.......
I'm Ready. The shock of moving here has diminished, and WE are Ready. To find ourselves what we want in this city. Initially it was all too easy to nest and create an apartment that we love. We did that. We both love our apartment (even in it's tininess). We love our puppy. We love each other. We. Are. Here. Now. (actually Andrea is in Italy right now...lol, but you get my drift).
I love this place and I am so happy to be here, at this point in life.....finally. Healthy and strong (even in my recovery). And.
I. Am. Ready.
**** I added some music. Hopefully you clicked on it while you read. That's how it's done :)