I’m not an especially superstitious man. I believe that our lives consist of ½ cup fate and ½ cup self-determination. Despite our efforts, we don’t necessarily know where we are headed or what lurks around the corner. In that regard, we need to have our shoulder and knee pads on for when something cracks us and knocks us to the ground….and it will, many times over.
This season of my life has been so vastly different than previous seasons, that it almost feels like an entirely different show altogether. And …….. I suppose it is. As I write this I will admit to feeling a tad superstitious in enumerating all the good, that it will somehow cast some voodoo magic shit on my orbit and my fate will be changed for the worse. On the other hand, when I’ve shared with you all the bad stuff, it never magically changed my fate for the better. Perhaps the converse will be true here as well. It’s just so different and I want it to stay this way, which I know…..it cannot. So here goes nothing.
My gratitude list:
I was selected, after 6 months and 8 interviews, for a dream job, which I accepted in January. I work on Park Avenue in Manfuckinghattan. I’m a Vice President. Dream. Job.
My beautiful, thoughtful, energetic boyfriend is there beside me for all of our life experiences with a heart of gold and a smile that melts me. The others before him made him possible. I thank them for what they taught me and the gifts they force fed me.
We are GOOD. Living in our gorgeous new apartment in Hell’s Kitchen.
My spinal fusion has been successful and I am on a journey to get my body in a healthy, solid state. (Not there yet, but progress is finally here and I am here for that!!! I am working my ass off)
Our dog, Charlie, fills a huge place in my soul and heart. I cuddle her and can’t believe what I did to deserve Her.
My mom seems to be cancer free, after having gone through a horrid surgery this past year.
We seem to be FINALLY finding our footing in NYC. Creating connections and living the best life we can. After struggling for two years, it seems we are on the right path in creating our tribe.
Our extended Urban family are all happy and healthy…..with kids running around in every crevice.
And so much more. So. Much. More. All of this, I take stock of every day. And I honestly feel like I am living someone else’s life sometimes. But then I put myself in check, and know that I have worked so hard for this. I. Have. Worked. SO. HARD. Just like the rest of you. And I’ve been smacked to the ground so hard it took my breath away. And shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. But like ALL of us, we get back up and find OUR way. It might take a year, it might take 5. It’s the journey, it’s never a destination…..it’s always the journey.
I’ve gone back and forth about this next part.
As many of you know, I have always had an online blog, detailing (sometimes in embarrassing ways) the twists and turns I’ve encountered. In recent time I’ve been absent because I just couldn’t figure out what I felt was…….necessary content.
But lately I’ve come to the place that I realize what the value might be. I’ve always used this place as a platform to express. Sometimes it’s just to express my pain, other times to express my confusion. Either way, I know some people view it with a critical eye, while others absolutely LOVE my openness and vulnerability.
It’s with this vulnerability I’ve decided, after much debate, to talk about something I’ve kept rather secret.
A few months ago I was diagnosed with a genetic kidney disease that is incurable. The End Game with this disease is Kidney failure, dialysis and the need for kidney transplant. Present day, I am fine. The progression and speed is an unknown variable as it differs for each person, however thru the work of an amazing nephrologist, I am told that my unique disease will push me towards failure sometime in my late 70’s, early 80’s.
Since the diagnosis (Polycystic Kidney Disease PKD) I have bounced between despair and optimism. When in despair I cry, dig deep into feelings of hopelessness and self-pity. In optimism I focus on my resiliency and gratitude that things are not worse than they are. I am able to be present and focused on one step at a time. And, as always, I know that so many people out there are battling bigger monsters than this. I NEVER lose sight of that.
However, it’s tricky. The mind is so brilliant in its Mechanisms and takes me down dark corridors that I had never noticed before. When I think about my future I see monsters I can’t imagine standing up to. I see a life lived in a manner that I dread. I see endless scenes of things being the way they aren’t supposed to be. And. If I am honest. I am scared. I am afraid of the future. And that part, being scared of my life, fucking Sucks. I had been deeply impacted by this diagnosis. I was apathetic and a little withdrawn from the life I want.
I vacillate between those things in a matter of minutes. It’s very de-stabilizing and I am adjusting to a New World where I am equal parts 1/2 cup happy and 1/2 cup terrified.
But when I push myself to clear away the cobwebs and chill the F out, I am in the beginning stages of Moving Forward as a new person. This New Person is someone who will live his life to the fullest, most healthily and in the most balanced way possible.
Knowing that there is a future out there which will limit the things I currently take for granted, has a way of flipping the lens on how you look at life. There is so much to do. So much More to do. And so much Color to see. And in truth, I want it ALL.
I know the hard days will come. But they will GO away too. It’s the nature of the beast.
Being alive in any moment, good or bad, is the most important thing to me now. I can’t forecast a future if I’m not IN the present.
In the meantime, anyone have a kidney they wanna put on ice until I need it?
Much to you & I’m glad to be back !!!!
Nately