Some time ago there was a hate crime in Philadelphia. A gaggle of 20 somethings beat and abused two gay men in our city. In quick time the face of this crime became a girl named Kathryn Knott. Without question, anger and disappointment pulsed through my body whenever I would see her face in my news feeds. I wanted the worst for her and her entourage, while at the same time I wanted her bigotry to be dismantled. She served some time in jail, beyond that I have no clue where her hatred for Those Who Are Different Than She is. For certain, their actions did not feel the norm in That Moment, it felt like they were the exception.
In spite of something as disgusting as that, my heart was full. The momentum for Equality and Acceptance was like a speeding bullet, we were riding the wave of Majority. This fact was only enriched by the sharp contrast of my experience growing up, in The Hiding of my true self. Wait.......... I shouldn't say "hiding". You can't hid that which could not be hidden. What I did grow up with, was a distinct understanding that because I was feminine, I was...... less than. It's true that being gay was only one facet of the bullying I endured, but it was the most painful one, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The pain associated with that time in my life is long gone. However, the memory of it is easily accessible. A few years ago there became a movement online...where men and woman in same sex relationships began to document their marriages and love on video. There was also the "It Get's Better" movement, which was developed in sharp response to the grief our community experienced over the suicide of our teenage selves. To say that in both of these movements I found hours and hours of tearful-sobbing vulnerability, would be an understatement. These things elicited a response in me, a response to both the beauty of normalizing love and marriage, as well as a response to the traumatic experience of being a young gay man in decades gone by.
The current political climate has brought it all back. I find myself tearful at times. I find myself in full on avoidance mode, tucking away this reality to escape the feeling that This Can't Be Happening. I find myself being mean and hurtful to those in Opposition to my freedom. Above all else, I find myself understanding with Precision Sharp Clarity....that we have been living in a world that was not as True as I'd like it to have been. While the movement might have been momentous, it was not majority. It was not a consensus. The bubble has evaporated, and in it's place a fear has taken shape that is greater than anything I have experienced in a long long time.
Not to be misunderstood, the climate for LGBT rights is only a portion of the Fear Mountain. Every day, when I see another Lego piece being added to the building of our government, and I see the horrifying reality of those who are going to lead our country, I literally start to shudder.
I love my fucking life these days. The gratitude and love I have for the World I have built is infinite. I will not stand by silently, and I will not let this fear get the best of me. I will cherish and love every part of The Things Around Me, and I will make sure if you are part of That, you will know how much I value what you Give.
Because now, now I understand how Fragile the last years in these United States have been. The celebration I felt, internally, at being able to legally Put A Ring On It, is gone. In place of celebration, I put boxing gloves and endurance. I will be here. I will not give up. And I certainly won't be defeated. Not in my love, not in my heart and not in my path.
I wait for the moment that the What The Actual Fuck Is Going On dissipates. I wait to feel the veil of disbelief lifted to expose truth and acceptance. And I will wait with a smile and my heart on my sleeves.
Remember that.
But.
What the fuck is actually, totally.....happening?