The Friday of Memorial Day weekend has a certain static hum to it, doesn't it? Especially in NYC - Penn Station. On Friday I traveled to NYC mid-day. As I walked from the depths of the station into the main concourse, I glanced upward to see My Man standing there, holding a single rose in his hand; a smile and a determined swagger in his adoration of me.
As I made my way to him, bouncing from person to person in the sea of Memorial Day Beach Seekers in Penn Station this past Friday, a whole slew of memories flooded me.
For two summers in 2012 and 2013 I did a share in Fire Island Pines. #memories. The hustle-bustle of the train station on a Friday afternoon was something that I'd come to love when I was traveling out to The Pines.
Unfortunately I look back on those two summers with regret and something akin to shame. The biggest part is that I wasted time, money and energy for all the wrong reasons. It got to be that The Pines became nothing short of painful for me, a kind of self inflicted pain that I couldn't shake. I thought the beauty of The Pines was something that would create tranquility for me. I was never so wrong. Those two summers were the epicenter of my own personal breakdown, and man o man, do I ever regret the carnage.
The biggest parts of my regret lie in how I treated the people around me, and the fact that I took The Pines for granted. I gained and lost friends those summers, something that haunts me often. The other phenomenon is that I also built an aversion to Fire Island in that time.
This weekend, as I was pushing towards Him, was the first time I ever felt the pull to be out there, to feel the Pines sand under my feet. I miss it, but am also afraid of it.
All of this comes into focus now more than ever, because of the events of my current life. My Man with The Rose. I haven't really found a way to write about this growing romance in the most recent months, partially because it just didn't feel right. Actually, I haven't really felt the pull to write about anything here, feeling a little bit out of touch, creatively speaking. However, I had this ache over the weekend, and knew that writing might help me quell the fire a bit.
Anyway.
AP came into my life about three months ago. The precise timing of our meeting was somewhat shocking given that I wasn't looking for him. But this is how these things go, when a story is struggling to take flight a new character is introduced and turns the journey on it's head. And so it is. It's been a time of discovery and fun. A journey worth reading about.
So.......meet AP :) and follow me for a moment.....
Much of the struggle in the time of my Pines Summers was anchored in a lost/twisted/destructive love affair, one that I am sure you're all too familiar with. Since then I've been fighting myself when it comes to finding a connection. I've beat myself up over choices/doubts/confusion in these last three years of being alone.
"Am I being the best person I can be?"
"How can I be sure I'm healed?"
"What do I want in my life?"
However, before I found a connection, I needed to find myself. Totally cliched, but true nonetheless. All of this is to say..........I have been distrustful of myself.
But trusting myself is exactly what I do now. Or at least, what I've begun to do. And as it does most times, my head thought of all these things in a flash; while walking up from the platform to grab My Man and hug him. As he handed me a rose. On Friday afternoon of memorial day weekend 2016. In the train station. Before we had an epic weekend of sand and sun and family and friends.
realizing, it's so good to be here. right here. right now.