Sometimes I take the train to work. When I do that, I have about a mile to walk before getting on and sliding on over to NJ. Today I took the train.
My walks through this city are full of music in my ears and mindful thoughts of my Grand Existence, or....spilling coffee all over myself. The past couple of days I have been restless/reckless. My needs and wants have been in a war. What I Need isn't the same as what I want and vice versa.
This morning in my mind:
"I am glad I decided not to go to the Catskills with Him, he's great and I can't want to spend more time with him, but NYE and the weekend alone with him feel too much......but still. And Daniel (all names changed to protect the innocent) is so much fun and has begun to care for me in big ways, but I can't jump into him like this.....I can't. Last year, I was with Gary and Alyssa for NYE at their home and we toasted and had a beautiful night, but I have to let them have their own family, spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with them was brilliant, but I have to establish myself. Finn seems fun, and kissing him the other night for hours on end was so nice, even with that thing on his lip....but he's just broken up and proving to be a flake and so....and what if I stayed home alone, toasted to myself and my loved ones and just went to bed. I did that two years ago, and that morning Kenny came over and we danced in my bedroom and sang and drank champagne and had sex all day in my.......... ."
AND BAMMMMMMMM
I was thinking all these things and walking down a very cute street in Rittenhouse, littered with leftovers of Christmas on the curb. What I hadn't heard was the garbage truck beeping and backing up. What I did see though, kinda took my breath away. One of the men who walks beside the truck and picks up The Trash, had flown onto one of the concrete pillars that are placed so people can't drive in certain places. He'd flown on top of it, did a twist off it, leaping at least 7 feet, exclaiming "YESSSSSS!!!!!!" with his arms spread wide and his smile beyond galactic. It appeared to me to be in slow motion, and in my minds eye he looked directly into my face and winked.......implying "Hey Nate, EVERYTHING WILL BE OK !"
Who knows what that was about, but he was happy................yes, in that moment, he was golden.
That moment, a moment that occurred within the last 48 hours of the year 2015 came to me and filled me. It filled me with a lot. My first emotion was gratitude for having witnessed that, at possibly the most perfect time for my soul. The second feeling I had was envy. When was the last time I'd felt that way. When was the last time I felt compelled to exclaim a sense of joy in such a manner. I can't remember.
I'm not going to push through this story to give some predictable wishes for the New Year, I'll leave that up to all of you. In this Moment I am listening to a Good Song, I just applied Spiced Citrus Beard Oil to my Gay Beard. I have been working hard on making my body a thing I am proud of, my job is going great.....and in this moment, all I have is the Good Stuff. I'll be happy to welcome more Good Stuff. But for now, I have the moment.
And that, my dear loving friends, is just about enough.
All my love and may we all get what we deserve in our Future.
Nately Nathan Shawn Tate