Friday the 13th.....was amazing. It all happened in less than 15 minutes. I didn't know who you were, and you hit me up only because of my picture. Even still, you secretly left your friends, and the bar, to meet me. I saw you standing on the corner waiting for me to get there to pick you up and my heart kinda skipped around in my chest. You got in my car and the deal was sealed. We spent the night awake, laughing, staring into each other's eyes ...........getting to know each other. And I'm having a hard time letting that go. I made you take an Uber home in the morning, because I didn't want to give away too much. And driving you home would seem too much of me.
There are so many secrets you keep from your world and you're so confused about things, but all of that was transcended for 13 hours. You melted me, and I'm a little bit lost right now. As all things come and go, so will my seemingly impossible grip on the Vision of You.
I didn't make the best decision in responding to your messages. You aren't out, you are entirely too young for me, and that night was the first night you spent the night with a guy.
But.
The electricity of it all was illuminated with these facts. The Taboo created fire. And I haven't gotten away from that fire a full 36 hours later. You wanted very much to see me more this weekend but I was busy until today. You said we'd see one another today.......but today is about to wrap up.
The duplicity of a life hidden, of waiting for a time to cut loose the Charade and walk Clean Slated into your own skin. Your real skin, the one you were born into...not some dictated and produced version.
When I was in college I did the same thing. I had a boyfriend who lived three hours away at another college. I lived in fear, constantly. I would go to bed at night in tears sometimes because those whom I loved didn't know me, and I was lying to them around every corner. I fabricated so much about my life, so much about where I was going on weekends and who i was with. After college it took me a few years to come clean with people, to open up the truth of me. Those years were so scary, so tough. But uncovering me, however scary, was also electric.
I know The Electricity was generated again with you on Friday night. I also know I have to let go of the thought of you, the feel. If there is anything these few years of being single have provided me, it's an understanding that pillow talk is just that.....and no one really owes me anything. Lots of idealistic emotions have been blown away in favor of This Abrupt Reality.
Yes, lately I've bruised me knees many times over, and felt my heart constrict on occasion, but I keep going. I go on dates. I meet you to kiss. I hold you, only if for a night. I tell you I am ok with whatever you need to do.
Still. This feeling. The depth of it, it's hard to shake. Very hard.
To.
Shake. You. Off.
Until I meet you again. And mister gorgeous..... ...I know I will. You will seek me, because I know what.....you want.
Muchly Much,
xoxo The Stranger With the Beard Who Held You xoxo