Celebrity has made it a Thing. Several women have opted to have their breasts removed in response to a real or perceived cancer scare. In my mind, there would be no question if I was faced with the choice (at least that's what I tell myself). But my mind isn't my mother's, and Mastectomy is not as clean a cut as you might think.
5 years ago my mom, Nanette, fought cancer with a lumpectomy, extensive chemotherapy, radiation, and a shit ton of love. Her experience came at a time in my life where everything changed, every last part of my life was turned upside down. I can tell you, her diagnosis and battle created the mindset that forced me to let go of all in my life that was causing me pain, discomfort, and weighing me down. Her battle allowed me to finally understand that my fears and life were things that could lead me anywhere. As she lost her hair, got wildly sick from the Chemo, and continuously needed to be forced to eat....I left my relationship, home, dog, car and some friends because if my amazing mom could live each day with such struggle, I could endure strife for a while too.
She came out of the treatment changed forever and had been cancer free for almost 5 years.
Breast Cancer has once again found it's way into my mother. It's altogether impossible to believe it, and yet is so real I can feel it's edges and threats every moment. To be very clear from the beginning of this, the type of cancer she has now is non-invasive. It's much less life threatening than the previous version. However I can tell you, the impact of this kind of news is tsunami-like.
In the past year my Aunt Kathi, Aunt Eileen, and Grand-mom Ernest died. My father died in 2011. My family was small. It is now a pin prick on the map of the universe. My mom's recent quest for information and consequent diagnosis has been debilitating. The Fear and Doom that has coursed through my body is not easily expressed. However, in many ways my process doesn't mean shit. My mom. Nanette.
The first weekend in this new diagnosis was a nightmare for her. Chemotherapy is a notorious traumatic therapy, I don't have to belabor the horrors that come as the poison drips into your body. My mom was one of those people who had abnormal reactions to Chemotherapy. She developed all kinds of crazy shit as a result of those treatments. It also saved her life. When the Dr. most recently told her she had a mass in her breast, she became despondent. My mom thought Chemo would end up killing her.
As it turns out, there will be no need for chemo. Lumpectomy and radiation. However.....to Mastectomy or Not Mastectomy. This question has haunted my mom. It seems like such an easy answer.....such an easy step to take to secure a life with little concern for this illness which seems to favor my mom. It isn't so. She can't seem to commit to having a Mastectomy. And she never saw this as a potential issue. The Doctors are surprisingly against a Mastectomy. However, having breast cancer twice in 5 years.....wouldn't it seem logical? Surfing through emotions, trying to be a fortune teller and see what will happen.........There is no easy answer, and when I write about it here, of course there is no easy answer.
It's fucking cancer.
The powers that be have taken away most of what I used to call family. We move on, we take the phone calls and we wake up every day with love in our hearts for those of us who remain and those whom we love with all our being.
The evolution of loss is something I will forever be in awe of. The reality of survival is stronger.
I know this may come out as cliched, or daft. I have to say it anyway. At a time in my life when I am looking for love again, finally after so long, really looking for a partner in life.....I have been floored to have to focus on what I have, not what my punk ass is missing. I have striven for healthy mind and body, with variable bumps along the way. When something like this comes into your atmosphere though, you stop and fall to the ground. Fall to the ground in fear, yes. But you also fall to the ground and kiss it for being there. If you don't take the time to savor what you have and who you love......it's all for nothing. And please. Please don't forget this my friends.
Hug longer.
Kiss deeper.
Text a greeting of gratitude to those you love. And you will get your life's worth back in spades.
I love you Momma !!!!!
(btw if you get a chance look up Angelina Jolie's story. It's really really moving)