The end of summer.
It's a strange thing isn't it ? When the air starts to get a little crisp and you walk down the street feeling a little less labored, a little less.....busy. When you begin to get the stir inside you that it's time to start fresh, that somehow the Autumn is a new beginning, a new secret passageway to hit the reset button and set your sails....aiming higher.
At least, that is what happens for me. Summer always seems so.......chaotic. For good reason. The start of summer opens up so much potential, the world seems to shout for you to get out and do as much as you can.......telling you "This Shit Won't Last".. Usually in the beginning of August I start to feel a pulling, a yearning, for slower pace and warm cuddles on the couch. From then until the end of September I feel conflicted for those feelings, forcing myself to eat all the sunshine i can, feel as much sand in my toes as possible before hunkering down to such great heights.
This summer has been, to use the word of the moment, EPIC. As many of you know, I have a tattoo on my arm that says "All these thing that I've done". I got that tattoo at a time where I needed a reminder to be kind to myself for the mistakes I'd made, for the things i'd done. At a time when it seemed to the world, and to my own reflection, that I was burrowing deeper into spaces of regret and shame. As I licked my wounds and took charge of my life, one grain of sand at a time, the tattooed lyric took new meaning. The Things I'd Done morphed into a more positive zone, and I began to use it as a way to highlight ways I was healing, Doing To Grow.
Now. This summer. The last 6 months. All These Things I've Done gave me life. Something many of you know, the last two summers were shitastic in Nately World. Moments of good were sprinkled into lots of zombie-like living. Just moving through the days for the sake of moving, so as not to materialize into vapor. Restlessness and bleeding insecurities were my commandments. But that changed. About a year ago I went deeper into myself to find out what the actual fuck was going on. I realized it had Very Little to do with a broken heart, and much more to do with myself.
In any event, I lived this summer. I loved every minute of it. Sure, I had days that the struggle bus pulled up and honked loudly on Webster Street. But that's normal.
Most everyone who sees me tells me how much better I look, how much happier I appear, that this summer has been good to me. (a side note: sooo many people comment on how thin I was before, that it worried them. the truth of me is that when things are bad, i don't eat. i can't eat. and if i do, my worry and anxiety burn it off. it's just what happens for me. don't worry, i'm not sick, not doing bad things...i. don't. eat.)
I will say, the biggest shift has been in my Men Management. I am happy to report, for the very first time in my life (no fucking joke) I don't need a man, which isn't to say I won't have one....I just don't NEED one in order to exist. Somewhere around April my death grip on Needing A Relationship weakened just enough for me to see myself as a solo act. I began to see that going to a wedding without a date, not needing to hold a hand in the sand...... was priceless. Actually, it's not that I realized it, it's that I FELT it. All the way inside, in a place I never knew existed. Do you have any idea the freedom that gave me? Any concept of how peaceful it would feel to someone who previously ONLY wanted to share his life with someone else ? It allowed me to share my life, with myself. That, my friends, is the meaning of Epic.
The solidification of this was Ptown. It was going to Ptown by myself, and having more fun by myself in those days than I did in all the years combined that I'd gone with someone else. it just set me free.
And with that freedom has come the ironic opening of Good Men Doorways. I've been granted genuine selfie smiles lately because of the men who have walked into my room, pulled up a chair, a cup of coffee/glass of wine, an open space.....a bit of sunshine. Such kindness, such authenticity. Funny how that works. #whirlwind
When you don't want me to move, I have to. And I'm free. Lesson learned.
Here's to you big guy. For the freedom you gave me, in All These Things That I've Done.