I took a week and three days off from work, starting July 16th. The next couple entries are going to be pieces of that week and three days. I can only hope to relay to you half of what I experienced in this time away from my life.
Provincetown, MA.
On July 12th I had no continuous idea of what my vacation was going to look like. On July 21 I woke up on Herring Cove Beach, at 8 am, and looked out at the water. Only 10 feet from the water's edge bobbed a Seal. Looking at me. Blinking. Looking. He twitched a little as I locked eyes with him, held the gaze for a few more seconds and he then flipped away into the ocean. I'll explain how I got there in a bit, so hold tight. And imagine the beauty of what I just described. I'm still holding it tight in my heart. Still wondering............
I had not been there since 2010. We used to go every summer for a full week. However, since then, I moved my summer passions to Fire Island. Two years in a share there, which didn't quite work as I wanted, and I was left without a true feeling of summer.
The beginning of this summer has been amazing, with a reconnecting friendship at Rehoboth Beach, as well as powerful time with my family.
As I thought more about it, I began to realize that I wanted to do something extraordinary for my vacation time. I decided I was going to Ptown. I was going, for only a few days, without a place to stay (I'd begun to look and could not find lodging, not even a campground had space). As the week drew on, I got pretty nervous about just winging it, having to potentially settle on the kindness of strangers or the discomfort of my car for sleeping accommodations. As it turns out, there were last minute bookings and I got a hotel for two nights only. I'll say this ahead of time, I ended up staying three nights, only having my own room for two of those.
I've struggled with how to write this, how to explain to you what happened while I was there. I don't want to share every nook and crevice of what happened because I don't think you can understand. Instead I want to articulate, to allow you to see, what came from it.
I pulled onto Cape Cod tentatively. I had never done something like this alone. I was telling myself all these negative things, saying how scary it was to be alone. Worried what it would feel like walking down Commercial Street without someone to laugh with, or at.
As it turns out, that's all complete bullshit.
The magic of Provincetown is that you can never be alone, that you will never be alone. Within only an hour or so, that message seeped into my soul. I parked my car and put my bags in my room, took my bike off the rack and road immediately to RELISH. I didn't get anything but a coffee and some fruit, but the cupcakes and pastries started the Ptown rush with their visuals and scent all by themselves.
I rode my bike more, and then settled at a popular coffee spot until Bubula's opened for brunch. When I got to Bubula's the grandmom hostess asked how many in my party. I said "I'm alone", and she said "honey, don't ever say you're alone. Say TABLE FOR ME, PLEASE."
Well. That about did it for me. My fears melted off my cranium and I was fine. Not another thought about it actually.
I'm not going to tell you about who I kissed and who I woke up next to. What I need to share with you though is what was missing before I went to Ptown. It had started to reappear on Memorial Day and then July 4th weekend in Rehoboth, but this trip to Ptown brought back something integral to my survival.
And here it is.
The things I went through in my last relationship, and the consequent abuse I did to myself, took away my own positive self regard. Completely robbed me of my own view of self. I would look in the mirror and see ugly, old. undesirable and damaged. Of no worth to anyone. I would gander that this was a 50/50 shakedown on words and things that had been done to me in that relationship, split evenly with the shame spiral I engaged in after that.
In Ptown though, I couldn't avoid it. I could not, COULD NOT, deny the constant stream of attention given to me, for both my physicality as well as for how I presented myself as a man. At one point I was sure someone was punking me, that someone was paying these dudes to shake me down for my affections and attention. (and i hope you understand this has nothing to do with me being egocentric....it's the opposite)
In my alone time, when I walked to the beach, or was jumping in and out of the ocean, I lamented the amount of energy and time I'd wasted on such ball shattering things. But in that sand, in that place of tranquility out past the dunes on the beach, I let it go. It all happens for a reason, and it's clear that everything I'd been part of led me to that place.
The first night was balls to the wall fun. I mean.......balls to the fucking wall fun. I want to tell it to you, all the dirty caressing parts of it, but can't. Won't. But...did i say already???...it was fun.
The second night, well the second night had a different feel to it, but one that was pleasant enough. And one that pushed me in directions and choices that felt pretty good actually. I found myself feeling confused about something so...naturally I went to the Porch Bar and sang showtunes for a few hours. #SCORE I mean......I did the right thing in the end, and for that I am pretty happy.
I checked out of my hotel the next morning and the sun was glaring. It was hot and humid and there was no way in hell I was leaving. I spent time on the beach alone and then with my friends from Philadelphia who had a house with a beautiful pool and plenty of Veuve :) I ended up meeting some beautiful strangers at Tea and spent the rest of the night laughing, loving and getting to know a new group of people. Another balls slammed on the fucking wall kinda night. #Showgirls
Which brings me to the next morning and the seal. I can share with you that my Philadelphia friends offered me a place to stay that night. I also found another hotel that had a room for me. On top of that I met a fine young gentleman who requested my company.........
Some time ago a friend told me that he had gone to Ptown and gotten up really early, drove out to the part of Herring Cove that you could actually drive to. He said he parked his car and watched the sun rise on a blanket on the beach. I can tell you that around 5am I got up and took my car out there and did the exact same thing. I fell asleep for a while, covered in my tapestry. Until I woke to see the seal, until I woke to see.......what I needed to see.
I take equal parts reed, sticks, stones, dead crabs, moorings washed up on the shore, pieces of random clothe, rope washed from boats, driftwood, wine bottles and hope. I make things on beaches. Some of you know this of me, some of you don't. The picture on the front page of my blog is something I made in Fire Island. The beach build on this entry is not something I made, but I did sit in front of it, and made myself a smaller version. Call it a shrine, call it being at peace.....i take great solace in it.
The few days I spent in Ptown came to life in such colorful and vibrant ways that I can only hope you see what I tried to show you. I want to go back there soon, potentially potential.....if you know what I mean. Who knows what I will experience then, but I can tell you, whatever it is....I'm ready.