In movies, when skies turn dark and clouds begin to form over a spot.
Those clouds begin to create a circular sweeping motion...round and round, until the storm is ready to open some power. Think Ghostbusters at the top of that building towards the end, or in X-Men, when Storm creates......a storm. You know some bad shit is going to happen in that spot, some heavy duty plot twist is hanging on by a thread before it's exposed to us, the audience.
For me, this weekend, was the unveiling of said plot twist.
My Grandmother was 90 years old. I can' t specifically pinpoint when or how it all began, but Alzheimer's began it's slow creeping take over many years ago. The last 3-4 years of her life were spent remembering Carmella as she used to be, not the vessel she currently was. I never really knew how to process it all, but we just went along, hoping for some word or gesture to be given to us, to make us feel better about the person inside that body. Hoping that in some ways she was still with us, and I do believe she was there at times.
My grandmother passed away, in her home, this past Saturday morning. Her two daughters and husband were at the bedside. I can't think of anything more beautiful. I arrived shortly thereafter and she was resting peacefully. The Funeral Home came to get her, with a stretcher and gentle process.
My mother and I held onto each other as they took her away and drove off.
I am now legally recognized as someone who can marry another man, and can do so with legal and humanitarian equity. Every cell in my body has experienced this SCOTUS ruling with the kind of intense emotion I believe will only come a few times in life. This past weekend i has plans to be in NYC for Pride on Saturday, wherein I would go on a rooftop Rose date with a cute man.....and oddly enough leave NYC Sunday morning to go to Fire Island for two days. A return to the place where I lost love, and sanity, a few years back. I was elated to celebrate the Rainbow in NYC and to peacefully introduce that Island back into my life. * Pride makes me a blubbering mess, mostly because of the beauty I see in all those years of pain I endured as a confused, bullied, gay kid, and how that pain turned into something so fucking rock solid.
Convergence.
The world was screaming CONGRATULATIONS AND CELEBRATION.
My phone voicemails and text messages were transferring CONDOLENCES AND BEAMS OF LIGHT.
I had one foot in the deep loss of a woman who loved with her whole heart, someone who allowed her loved ones to live their lives and make their mistakes....and was always there to say I LOVE YOU. She helped with what she could and gave her hope for a good life for all of us. You felt that in her, from her. Palpable.
My other foot was in the highly regarded beauty of a world changed for me and those like me.
For me, both create tears. Of sadness, and at the same exact time, of joy.
I had to stop looking at my social media throughout the weekend because it was too much to watch, while I was grieving. I tried so hard to fit both in my body, but one of them had to go, and it was the Celebration of Equality. My straight friends and family who supported and loved all us gay humans took my breath away with the support and celebration, but I could not be there as I wanted to be. Duplicity. Saying goodbye and understanding a world without a significant matriarch took precedence.
I have missed my grandmother for many years now. I have missed the way she smelled, the way it sounded when she walked around her house. I have missed her rambling messages that really had no point other than to tell me what her day was like. I will continue missing her now that she has finally given her body the rest it so needed.
I have missed my partnership with another man the past few months. I know I will grow and become a better person, waiting for some other man to evolve as well. We will celebrate in however we see fit when we decide life is something we want to forever share.
My Grandmother, who accepted me even though she maybe didn't understand my direction of love, will forever be entwined with marriage equity. I'm a fan of that concept. Yup. Sure am.
Beauty is what I see in the cycle of life and death. Love is part of that cycle and I have known it in such a way that I am beyond humbled.. In my own cycle, I stumble with death, love ......and life for that matter. Times like these are mysterious to me. We are saying goodbye to Carmella, but I know she is watching me, watching us, and routing for us all. Giving us love, sending me love, so that I may find it when the time is right.
For CE. All my love.