I am a therapist. I sit with people for an hour and we work at whatever problems, feelings or life circumstances they see fit to conquer and deal with. For me, the process is a highly Intimate Affair. To get another human being to talk about things, that in most cases they haven't talked with many others about, is a gift. I am giving them a gift from my profession, and they are giving me one for my humanity.
Every new session is like a television show, or a good novella. It is not often you can predict what you are going to be unpacking with someone. There are such things of beauty that come out of this, the flip of it is that it's emotionally exhausting. The hours of people crying, people hurting....it's tough.
Beautiful and tough. An Intimate Affair indeed. And, in full disclosure, I have the confidence to share with you, I know that I am gifted at what I do. People who know me outside of work will tell you, I am a probing character. I dig deep to ask questions that most people don't, and I do it automatically. The reason I do it is because it's an Intimate Affair. And if I want to be your friend and you want to be mine, I believe deep connections are what create bonds that are meaningful and purposeful. It is why I have friends who constantly say "I love you" and vice versa. Because Intimacy is a kryptonite chain of connectivity that will last forever.
All the same, it takes little pieces of you apart, to be in my chair on a daily basis. Let's say Diane is talking about her mother who has Alzheimer, it'll spark aninternal automated response about my grandmother who is 91 but mostly doesn't know much of anything and can't talk so much anymore. In time, you get better at shutting down those automated thoughts to be outside of yourself in order to help Diane cope with her feelings of loss and grief. To be sure, once I say goodbye to Diane and walk her out the door, I will spend some time processing whatever debris her conversation left behind for me and my personal life.
Before I continue. Let me say.......Happy Memorial Day to all. A long weekend is a welcome one, a deserved one for the fun we need to have.
A client gave me a gift this week leading up to Memorial Day.
I am single. Being single, you spend a lot of time thinking about not being single. When one has been in relationships his whole life, and has now not been in one for two years......one REALLY thinks about Love, alot. This is a Great Tale of Miscalculation on my behalf.
A client this week told me about her marriage. While it is not a marriage that is in danger of ending, and actually, it appears to be a very lovely marriage all together. What she animated was the way they fight, when they fight. And let's face it, if you are in a relationship, you mother fuckers fight.
Remember when I told you that certain thoughts get automated during a session ? Much to my surprise, my automated thought was this:
"I am so lucky to be single and not have to deal with That Shit".
I sat in my cute little chair and thought.....HOLY SHIT NATE, You are OK !!!! You see while I have the vague understanding that being single is fun, easy, carefree......my desire for love and belongingness always trumps those other things. Or, it used to. It occurred to me after that session.......I have not yelled at, cursed at, been yelled at, called a name, made to feel like an asshole or ANY OF THAT in a very long time. While I can consistently support the Nately Theory of Picking The Wrong Man, I do think that all couples fight. Single guys....no fights. How do you like them apples ??
Anyway, the point of it all being.......it feels damn good. And I never really allowed myself to experience that goodness. The bigger beauty is the thought was automated, it came without any cognitive direction. Fuck Yeah Nately.
Which brings me to the actual gift my client gave me.
Memorial Day.
Memorial Day 2000. It was my first official Beach Share in Rehoboth Beach. I was pumped as hell for a summer of men, sun and surf. That weekend was the first weekend we went down for our share. Saturday night of that weekend, Sting's "Desert Rose" pumped out of the speakers and I was singing in all my glory on the dance-floor. That was the night I met the man I would spend the next ten years of my life with. (consequently also shutting down my summer of slut, but that's not for this story). Consequent Memorial Days went by with happiness and Margaritas. Until we broke up.
Until my next ex. This next ex and the years we were entangled, Memorial Day was a patchwork of pain. This time the setting was on Fire Island Pines (FIP). Not here to hash that hot mess out, but we broke up after a torturous weekend in FIP two years ago, with Justin Timberlake's Mirrors playing in the background. Twas our song. In any event, last Memorial Day, after not having talked to him for a year, I emailed him. I Remember....was the gist of it.
Sooooo let me wrap this all up for you my friends and family.
This week has been tough for some very personal reasons, that I do not care to detail, but I've been kind of emotionally raw. I dropped my mom off at the airport yesterday morning. I pulled away with tears in my eyes. I hate that she lives far away, I hate that she doesn't get to experience life the ways I want her too, I hate that she isn't near me.
Anyway as I got to looking for a parking spot once I got back home, Mirrors came on the radio. I hope you understand what I mean by AUTOMATED. When I heard the first few chords of that song, my automated self broke down. #BROKEDOWNPALACE.
I can't tell you why, other than the fact that some things in life will always be full of emotion. God knows I am free of that break up, free of that man. I am not free of the emotions it stirs. They will always be there, I know they will. There will always be this small flicker of a flame in my chest. Most likely forever. I listened to the whole song and sang my ass off. I was giggling by the end. It's a damn good song.
My client gave me the gift of happiness on Memorial Day Weekend. I will not be fighting with anyone, worried about being cheated on. I will not be constrained by anyone else's feeling, wants, or needs. I will not be asked to do things I'm not comfortable with. I will not be.......unhappy.
So thank you. I thank you for allowing me to appreciate my automatic thoughts and feelings, in allowing me to realize my potential as A Single Man on the Verge of Me.
The Precipice of Me. And Memorial Day.