I ran the 2013 NYC Marathon. The reasons I ran it were extensive, the root of it all being that it allowed me to feel a sense of purpose. I sure couldn't figure out how to stop crying about life, but I could reason a way to train for a marathon and try to escape that life. I ran for Sloane Kettering Cancer Center. The original choice to do it felt very easy, in hindsight I realize the motivation to do so was somewhat complex.
In any event, if you've ever done that particular Marathon, despite it being 26.2 miles.......... it goes by in a flash. One of my dear friends, Gretchen, told me in advance that I needed to really focus on the sites and sounds around me while paying attention to my pace. I tried so hard to do just that, but not knowing the route and the constant jockeying you have to do around other runners made it really difficult to "take it all in". I'm not sure I failed at it, but when it ended and I was walking to meet my mom and friends I'd already decided in my mind that I would be doing it again the next year to really experience it to the fullest. Little did I know that would be an impossible feat.
When I moved to Philadelphia with my ex-boyfriend in 2001, our relationship endured many fractures and was something we both had to work VERY hard at maintaining. It was about that time I began running. My childhood was rife with asthma so I never really got into running. The passion took shape slowly here in Philadelphia. I started small, could not even run 3 miles. I did many 10 mile races and I think a total of 7 Half Marathons. My first full Marathon was in Philadelphia in 2010, which was painfully exacted at an extended time due to injuries. Finally, after a few more halfs I came to 2013 and NYC.
The last year of my life has been focused on dealing with chronic pain due to the erosion of one of the discs in my lower back. I have not, and will not, rely on any pain medication for this. I've had 5 procedures in that time to help with the pain. In December I had a procedure that made a difference. I suddenly began to feel well enough to start back at the gym and this huge, heavy dread was lifted.
I am being given a chance at reinvention. I stopped eating grains. I go to acupuncture, yoga and I attempt to meditate on the state of my physical health on a daily basis. I began a workout program that is 16 weeks long. I can't describe the feeling of being physically not well and then consequently the gift of when you feel better. It's like taking a great big gulp of air, before going under water for a long time. When I started to be able to put on a pair of socks without a small yelp, that's when it felt like I came crashing thru the water's surface from below.....breathing gratitude and hope for further recovery. I can't do a lot still, but my body is being reimaged, as is my mental health.
It's Spring now. People are out running, breathing their pace and footsteps with measured happiness and motivation. Soon it'll be shirtless boys on Kelly Drive heaving and sweating....ugh. If you only knew the struggle I had when I see them.
I am not going to be running again. Ever. I'm just not able to. When I do, my vertebrae crash into one another because the disc that allows that kind of motion is not there anymore. It hurts. A lot.
Anyway. These people running and passing me on the sidewalk. I want to trip them. Or I want them to sprain their ankle. I want it to rain, so it's not good weather to run..........................Well, that's a three second thought that gets automated. Of course I don't want anyone to get hurt or for it to rain. Of course I want everyone to love it as much as I did, and to get life from it. I really do. But......why can't I? Why does this one thing I love so much have to be something I can never access again ?
It's life. That's why. The Grand Dealer throws the cards of Fortune and Strife without even making sure it makes any sense. And it's true, some people seem to get lots of the good cards. Others seem to get a shit hand, even when the deck is shuffled and doled out over and over again. I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm taking my time with not gambling as much of it all at once, like I used to. This whole issue with my back and the emotional distress it has caused me has taught me a great deal about myself. My resiliencies have never really been in question, but this has been a different beast all together. I've hated it with every ounce of my body.....and I miss my running self. I miss him a lot. And I think about him, at the very least, all day long.
All of this though, my post today, is not about what I've lost in myself.
I ran the NYC Marathon in 2013. My time was 3:45. Three hours and forty five minutes. A time I can forever be proud of. I ran it alone. My mom and Aunt Karen were there on the race course. My Aunt Kathi was at home, fighting Lung Cancer and various other Cancers that ran wild through her. I raised over $3500 for Cancer Research. I called my Aunt Kathi when I was done. I sent her the photo of the orange jersey I wore, with her name on it. She passed away this last summer. I was damn lucky to have been able to run that fucking race. I know I made her proud. I know my mom is beyond proud of me for that race, and I thank god she survived Breast Cancer. It's all relative. Our fortunes and our beat downs.
I ran the NYC marathon, and it was a helluva way to end my running career. So I'm sorry for being so gruff, but fuck you. I've got this.....AND I promise to be waiting at the finish line cheering you on when you cross.
Nately